Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the oldest known narrative carving, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

10,000-year-old carving of man holding his genitals is oldest known narrative carving

… He is also the first known Pubist.

Elon Musk left ‘withering’ by heavy boos at Dave Chappelle show

Sounds like Elon crashed on stage like a Tesla on autopilot.

Salmon caught near Seattle are full of cocaine and antidepressants

… And why restaurants price them by the gram …

Biden celebrates ‘Wright Brothers Day,’ American air travel innovators

No word if he forgave them for losing his luggage on one of those early flights.

Apple exec fired after being caught on video joking about ‘fondling big-breasted women’

Look for him to try and get a job at Oogle.

Nerve-deadening devices impress EU heart doctors’

Thank goodness we have a new antidote for people watching the new Avatar.

Former FTX CEO Sam Bankman-Fried has been arrested in the Bahamas to send to U.S

This might take a while if he’s paying his bills in Crypto …

Diddy reveals he secretly welcomed baby no. 7

In response, Nick Cannon called him ‘a slacker.’

CNN cancels ‘Stanley Tucci: Searching For Italy’ as part of originals pullback

Old episodes will now be known as ‘Remembrance of Things Pasta.’

Jlo has purse with her name printed on it

She had it made special for the love of her life … herself.

McDonald’s is bringing back this fan-favorite breakfast item

And, nothing says ‘Happy Hanukah’ like a Sausage, Egg and Cheese Breakfast Bagel.

Skip Bayless and Shannon Sharpe Quarrel for real on ‘Undisputed,’ and it’s intense

Shannon Sharpe looked like he was about to hand Skip Baylis his glasses, so Baylis could see who he was messing with!

Happy 97th birthday Dick Van Dyke

And, a reminder, Ric Santorum is so homophobic he refuses to watch Mary Poppins because it stars Dick Van Dyke.

Ivanka Trump & Jared Kushner ditched their usual pda & reportedly acted ‘cold’ towards each other during recent public outing

… So, maybe they are a real married couple.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)