Ex-president says he’s the real Superman, and is “so proud” that he can “soar like an eagle.”
“Look! Up in the sky. It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s Donald Trump!”
Yes, the former president now reveals what he’s long insisted is the honest-to-God truth, that he’s the man for all seasons, the real Superman.
Taking a page from the old Superman TV show, Trump declares he’s “faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.”
As if there was any doubt about it, Trump, believing that he can fly, recently tried to take flight from the 26th floor at his Trump Tower in New York. But before he could leap into the sky, his aides, against the ex-President’s wishes and resistance, pulled him back into his $100 million penthouse.
“A lot of the Communist media with their negative fake news will never accept it, but my millions of fans know it’s real. I’m Superman, okay?” said Trump, adding that “nobody else could do it, but because I can fly fast, it would have taken me only 30 seconds or less to get over to my golf course in New Jersey so I could play a quick round of 18 holes if these flunky aides who I should fire right now hadn’t stopped me. Next, maybe I’ll fly south to Mar-a-Lago where my people will be waiting anxiously for their president to land, okay? It wouldn’t have taken me more than a minute or so to get there, believe me.”
Insiders tell us that Trump is often seen walking around the grounds of his Mar-a-Lago estate in a Superman outfit, his red cape flowing in the South Florida breeze.
The Trump news came as he released a $99 digital trading card that showed him in a Superman-type pose, ripping off a shirt to reveal his Superman costume.
“A lot of people tell me America needs more than ever a superhero just like me, that they’re very excited I can soar like an eagle, okay?” Trump announced.
We hear from our impeccable sources that Trump’s wife, Melania, tried to have her husband committed to a mental institution after he insisted for the 100th time he truly was the Man of Steel, and that he confessed that his one and only weakness was getting too close to kryptonite.
When Trump disclosed that he had been born on the planet Krypton, Melania said that the least he could do was follow their psychiatrist’s strong recommendation that he go to group therapy since he was acting a little spacy.
Melania had hired the shrink on retainer, without her husband’s knowledge, thinking that his trying to balance himself on the window ledge while practicing flapping his arms was making her feel rather unbalanced herself. For one thing, the man she married claimed that when he wasn’t being Superman his name was Clark Kent.
It made her wonder why her husband often walks around with such thick glasses and then, for no apparent reason, suddenly disappears into closets ripping off his suit and tie to reveal his Superman costume. Even stranger to Melania, who had never watched the Superman TV show as a child back in her native Slovenia, she doesn’t fully understand why her husband insists that his daughter Ivanka start calling herself Lois Lane, and that he told his older son, Donald Trump, Jr., that from now on his name was Jimmy Olsen.
And why in the world did he want, again wondered Melania, his other older son, Eric, to call himself Perry White and to keep saying “don’t call me chief.”
The therapist had diagnosed that Trump’s immediate problem stemmed from losing the 2020 presidential election to Joe Biden, which obviously rattled his world. But the truth was, according to our sources, he just needed lots of attention due to extreme narcissism and that his trying to fly satisfied some inner need to show off.
Trump said he would go to group therapy only on one condition–that he could wear his Superman outfit to the sessions.
At group therapy, Trump blasted the other patients for getting in his face that there might be something wrong with him, that no adult human male in his right mind walks around in public wearing a Superman cape.
“You don’t believe I’m Superman, that’s your problem, not mine,” Trump thundered, before walking out on the group and promising the “quack” shrink he was never coming back.
Trump also said his days as Superman are numbered because “like the doctor ordered, you always need something else to stimulate you.”
With that, Trump said that once he’s sick and tired of being Superman, he will become the superhero Batman, after he get his Batman outfit back from the cleaners. As the Caped Crusader, Trump teased he will need before going out to save America, to get his Batmobile out of the repair shop and for Batman’s trusty sidekick, Robin, to fly down to Mar-a-Lago to join him on their next adventures.
And pray tell, who is this Robin? Trump said it’s a state secret, but if you really have to know, you might have heard of him, in real life he goes by the name Rudy Giuliani.
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