Trump Shot Blanks at Mar-a-Lago Holiday Bash

Revealed: Trump shot blanks at midnight when he courted his wife privately at a holiday party at Mar-a-Lago.

Donald Trump, the twice impeached former president, famously said he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and maintain support.

However, older and wiser, the newly minted seller of online Trump trading cards learned another lesson recently. And the world learned about that lesson in a joint investigation by Humor Times and Screw Magazine, the Hell Edition.

Trump Fails to Perform Sexually

The two Pulitzer-prize-winning legacy media giants revealed: “Trump shot blanks at midnight when he courted his wife privately at a holiday party.” The report added, “We even have the dress she wore. There are no stains on it. But we found a document marked top-secret inside the garment.”

What’s more, sources who met with Trump explained why the document was in Melania’s dress. The anonymous sources said, “Donald believes the classified material belongs to him. So, he doesn’t want the government to take any more of his property. And he doesn’t expect the FBI to search Melania.”

Dejected by his romantic failure, Trump immediately convened a campaign war council. But the volcanic boss got unusually unrestrained feedback from top staffers. The aides said that Trump is thinking too much about Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis.

DeSantis Prevents Trump from Functioning

“Trump can’t pull the trigger in bed like he used to if he doesn’t fire away at opponents,” a campaign veteran told the journalistic titans. “So, we suggested The Donald take off his gloves, toss his condoms and overcome inhibitions that normal humans experience. It’s time for him to bloody up DeSantis.”

In a meeting follow up, the former president met with one-time champion boxer Mike Tyson. Tyson reportedly gave Trump two of his pet tigers so Trump could “get in touch with his manliness.”

Stormy Daniels Offers to Lay with Donald

Stormy Daniels also visited Mar-a-Lago, the report revealed. It said that the former porn star offered to sleep with Trump again. But Trump rejected the offer, claiming MAGA supporters would not understand.

“Tucker Carlson wants me to get red-light testicle tanning treatments. And you want to lay with me, Stormy,” the former president reportedly said.

With a devilish smile, Trump added, “I’ve got to do this my way. DeSanctimonious won’t know what hit him.”