Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the Air Force, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Air Force grounds entire Stealth B-2 fleet

… or, maybe, they didn’t.

Putin upset Zelensky in U.S

Oh, Crimea River.

Amazon warehouse worker stole $160,000 in electronics

Would have gotten away with it, too, if he hadn’t asked for the 1- 3 day shipping.

Biden warns about Bomb Cyclone

No word if Iowa football team took cover.

Sandra Bullock’s avocado ranch flies off the market in California at a reduced price

So, that’s what’s known in the real estate biz as an “Avocado Dip.”

Happy 79th birthday Keith Richards

You don’t look a day over 137.

Argentina beats France 4-3 to take World Cup

For those wondering, that’s like 512 – 508 in NBA points.

January 6th Committee refers Trump to DOJ on four criminal charges

Trump: I never met me. Maybe, I got myself coffee, once.

Another Russian Oligarch, Dmitry Zelenov, dies under mysterious circumstances

No! Really? You’re Putin me on.

Cardi B warns fans about butt injections after getting 95% of hers removed

It was so bad she almost had to change her name to Preparation H.

Giuliani recommended for disbarment

Look for Rudy to appeal this all the way to the parking lot of the Supreme Courtyard by Marriott.

Joe Rogan accuses Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson of using steroids

Uh, and I’m assuming not sharing.

RIP Franco Harris

May you have a heavenly ‘immaculate reception.’

Texas cop previously fired for giving ‘feces sandwich’ to homeless man has been fired again – Fox News

As bad as this is, just don’t let it be from Subway.

Elon Musk complains about leakers

… As opposed to Trump, who usually pays extra …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)