Congressman George Santos Interview - Dean Kaner,Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews 34-year old New York Congressman George Santos.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? I doubt it. Today on the show my guest is 34-year old New York Congressman George Santos.

CONGRESSMAN GEORGE SANTOS

Fake news. I’m George Clooney, Boy George, George Harrison. I don’t even know myself.

JERRY

How about the monkey Curious George?

SANTOS

Curious George. Yeah, I like that name.

JERRY

Do you know what they call an angry monkey?

SANTOS

No.

JERRY

Furious George.

SANTOS

(imitates a monkey) Ooh ooh ahh ahh.

JERRY

You’re a pathological liar. Got elected on lies. Here’s a good one. You were raised Catholic and claim your grandparents fled the Holocaust. Research proves you have no Jewish ancestry. You’re not Jewish.

SANTOS

I beg to differ, Duncan. The other day, I was walking down a street in Brooklyn when a rabbi called me Schmuck. How would he know my Hebrew name?

JERRY

Let’s dig further into your background. You attended the Stop the Steal rally on January 6, 2021 in Washington D.C.

SANTOS

True. Trump won the election. Ask any Republican. Joe was just Biden his time.

JERRY

Nice try, George. It was Republicans who worked for Trump that testified against him before the January 6 commission. The Donald incited the insurrection against our democracy.

SANTOS

Oh well. The rally was a weekend getaway.

JERRY

Financed from your campaign funds to pay for personal expenses.

SANTOS

How would you know?

JERRY

I have a copy of the FEC complaint.

SANTOS

Okay, I confess. I really wanted to be a portrait painter, but my mother said there was more money in being a con artist. May she rest in peace.

JERRY

Speaking of your mother. You claim she was an executive on Wall Street who died on 9/11. The facts prove otherwise. She was a domestic. A friggin cleaning lady who couldn’t speak English.

SANTOS

Ay chihuahua, I fibbed.

JERRY

Again and again. I bet you didn’t know Tigger was a domestic.

SANTOS

Really?

JERRY

Yeah. He stuck his head in the toilet to look for Poo!

JERRY

According to your resume, you were a Wall Street financier and investor. Worked for Goldman Sachs and Citigroup. Neither company has a record of your employment.

SANTOS

Wrong. I am an investor. I started buying stock from the market. I have lots of beef and chicken in the freezer. I also invested in marijuana. I always say, “Buy high, sell higher.”

JERRY

Your education. Bleak.

SANTOS

What about it? I’m smarter than a 5th grader.

JERRY

Not really. You claim to hold a BA degree in finance and economics from Baruch College. No record of enrollment. You also claim to be a graduate of NYU’s business school. Again, no record of enrollment.

SANTOS

That’s a gotcha question. Big deal I didn’t go to college. What’s the difference between a high school graduate and a college dropout anyway?

JERRY

Debt.

JERRY

You were so poor when your mother died that you started a GoFundMe. Raised thousands of dollars for the funeral costs. Then used the extra funds to go on a ski trip the same weekend.

SANTOS

You can’t spell funeral without fun.

JERRY

You need to resign.

SANTOS

If 142,000 of my voters ask me to resign, I will.

JERRY

They just did. Here’s the signed petition.

SANTOS

Then Th-Th-The, Th-Th-The,Th-Th…That’s all folks!

JERRY

Congressman George Santos. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.