Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even saying that Bed, Bath and Beyond could go bankrupt, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

‘Bed, Bath and Beyond’ could go bankrupt

Look for the stores to be renamed ‘Forever 21 Cents to the Dollar.’

Russian officials throw a tantrum after U.S diplomat calls Putin ‘small man’

Could’ve been worse; Stormy Daniels could’ve said it.

Study: People hate happy couples on social media

… Not as much as I hate them out in public.

Biden and Kishida discuss Japan ‘stepping up’ security

Wouldn’t it just be way easier to put a double lock and a Ring door camera on Biden’s garage in Delaware?

Golden Globes kick off award’s season

The Golden Globes are out, and this time it has nothing to do with a JLo wardrobe malfunction.

Missouri Republicans are pushing to ban women lawmakers from wearing attire that exposes their arms

What about their Constitutional right to bare arms?!

Kanye got remarried

George Santos says they’re happy!

M&M’s release their first ever all-female character packages

And for those of you kinkier, up next S&Ms …

Marjorie Taylor Greene vs. Dr. Dre

More like Dr. Dre vs. Cra Z.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz is annoyed employees didn’t listen to his back-to-office request—and now he’s ordering a return

So, no more going to a barista’s house for drive up lattes?

Pro-Bolsonaro crowd storms Brazil’s Congress, other sites

Or, just American tourists! You decide.

Dana White’s lack of punishment after slapping wife is a mistake

Dana White proves sometimes a slap on the face doesn’t even get you a slap on the wrist!

Mindy Kaling’s ‘Scooby-Doo!’ prequel ‘Velma’ debuts, minus Scooby

I can’t be the only thinking the theme song should be ‘Scooby-Doo, Where Are You!?’

Jim Jordan offers unreal defense of rep’s wild lunge at Matt Gaetz

… In fairness, Jordan was probably looking the other way when it happened …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)