Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Amy Robach and TJ Holmes, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

‘GMA3’ lovebirds Amy Robach and TJ Holmes will both exit ABC News

Look for them on ‘Fox & Friends With Benefits.’

Classified documents found at former US Vice President Pence’s home

So, VPs Biden and Pence had top secret documents at their homes. Bigger question, who’s brave enough to check Dick Cheney’s place?

Hemp seed-eating village in China holds oldest, healthiest people in the world

The place is known as ShangVeryHai.

Republicans want Biden home visitor logs – but not Trump’s

In fairness, Mar-a-Lago could be considered Russian territory.

Prince Harry says he wants his father and brother back

George Santos: ‘Ok, I forgive you.’

Jay Leno suffers broken bones in motorcycle accident months after garage fire

… So, that’s what Conan’s been up to …

Dog shoots and kills his owner, 32, in freak hunting accident, Kansas authorities say

And, they know it was an accident, how?

30 feet of snow? That much has fallen in some places in California

It’s like a mirror at Charlie Sheen’s, back in the day.

Buzz Aldrin got married on his 93rd birthday

He and his bride registered at Bed, Bath and the Great Beyond.

Brad Pitt quietly lists longtime L.A compound for $40 million

Pitt describes it as the perfect place to raise like 2 dozen kids. You listening, Nick Cannon?

$1,600 for ice cream: Former Brazilian President Bolsonaro’s credit card bill raises eyebrows

Where’d he go? Baskins-Robbin’ You Blind?

Mickey Rourke declares ‘no way in hell’ Alec Baldwin should be charged in fatal ‘Rust’ shooting

I’m shocked, shocked Mickey Rourke knows who Mickey Rourke is.

‘Sesame Street’ co-creator Lloyd Morrisett dies at 93

Today’s letters are R.I.P.

Park Rangers check camera trap and discover 400 of the 580 photos it took ‘were bear selfies’

… It doesn’t take Scooby and the gang to figure out this mystery. Yogi and Boo-Boo are at it again …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)