Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about a pizza chef Mafia hitman, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Mafia hitman found working as pizza chef after 16 years on the run

Good chance he killed more people from heart disease than as a hit man.

DOJ launches criminal investigation into Abbott over baby formula crisis

Guessing the first subpoena began, ‘Hey, Aaaaaabbbbot!’

China fumes after US pops its balloon, warns of possible ‘responses’

Look out Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.

Biden takes victory lap for 517,000 new jobs in January

Yeah, yeah, but most of those are just jobs George Santos claims to have landed.

Princess Eugenie Is pregnant! Royal announces she’s expecting baby no. 2 with Jack Brooksbank

Woot! A baby announcement that doesn’t include Nick Cannon …

Attempted murder charges for guy who drove a Tesla off cliff with his family inside

… which is dumb, he should’ve just waited until the car backed over them.

Brazil’s crowdfunded insurrection leaves paper trail for police

So, they used GoFindMe.

Trump says he’ll build an impenetrable space dome to protect US from missiles if he’s President

… And, make Mars pay for it!

Tim Allen denies Pamela Anderson’s book claim that he flashed her on ‘Home Improvement’ set

Well, maybe that’s why they called him the ‘tool’ guy.

A high school basketball coach is still out $10,000 after Southwest canceled a flight and left his whole team stranded in Las Vegas for 5 days over Christmas

He did try and make it up stuffing his pockets at the buffet.

Manhattan DA looking into hush payment by Trump to Stormy Daniels

Or, as Stormy calls Trump, ‘Individual One Inch.’

SEC charges ex–McDonald’s CEO Easterbrook for making false statements relating to his 2019 ouster

Wait until the FDA gets through with him for claiming there’s ribs in those McRibs!

Keanu Reeves gets restraining order against alleged stalker who said he’d sign over his ‘rights’ to the actor

So, that’s where Mathew Perry’s been hiding out

Marjorie Taylor Greene said $5.1 billion was spent on CRT at an elementary school

In fairness, she’s not good at math after she runs out of her 10 fingers and 8 toes to count with.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)