Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about The A-Team, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

The A-Team premiered on NBC 40 years ago

Look for a reboot — The AARP Team.

George Santos claims “wasn’t very Mormon” of Mitt Romney to tell him he doesn’t “belong” in Congress

And, as everyone knows, Santos is Mormon-ish.

Twitter’s Wednesday outage was reportedly because an employee accidentally deleted data and the team that could fix it left in November

Next time, just pull the plug out of the building and put it right back in.

Trump unleashes attacks on Biden in State of the Union response

However, Biden’s SOTU was nothing but net, while Trump’s response sounded like nothing but “nyet.”

Pickleballers and parents clash at Central Park event. Now the sport is banned

I can’t be the only one souring on pickleball …

NORAD detected Chinese spy flight before it reached US, but ‘could not take action,’ General says

Well, makes sense … being extra careful since nearly shooting down of Santa in 1987.

Republicans want to rename part of John Lewis Way in Nashville after Trump

That’s like renaming a Girl Scout cookie after R. Kelly.

Viola Davis joined the EGOT club with Grammy win for ‘Finding Me’ memoir

For you dyslexics that’s an OGET.

Aaron Rodgers confirms: “I’m not going to San Fran”

More likely he takes some more Ivermectin and winds up with Colts or Broncos!

Happy 80th Birthday, Joe Pesci

And, by happy I don’t mean funny; you are not a clown to me.

Half a billion dollars’ worth of cocaine found adrift in Pacific Ocean

… Apparently, that’s nothing to snort at …

Wisconsin Supreme Court candidate is trying to open a gun range that serves alcohol

So, instead of Lady Justice being blind, she’s blind drunk.

Jennifer Lopez says she got married to Ben Affleck in Vegas to take “all the pressure off of the big family wedding”

No offense, but you’d think between them they’ve had plenty of practice.

Mike Lindell only got 4 votes for RNC Chair

… Sounds like even the RNC doesn’t give a sheet!

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)