Nikki Haley and Elizabeth Warren Q&A - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Nikki Haley and Elizabeth Warren.

NIKKI HALEY

I’m Republican Nikki Haley and I’m running for president of the United States of America.

ANNOUNCER

From under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

Nikki Haleyand Elizabeth Warren are interviewed. Nikki Haley caricature by DonkeyHotey. — Nikki Haley caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are Nikki Haley and Elizabeth Warren, former US Ambassador to the UN and Massachusetts Democratic Senator, respectively.

HALEY

Hi Y’all.

ELIZABETH WARREN

Good morning, Jerry. Call me Running Bear.

JERRY

Running Bear?

WARREN

I took a DNA test and it turns out that I’m part Cherokee.

HALEY

I’m a real Indian.

JERRY

That’s because your parents are from India.

HALEY

C’mon, Jerry. There’s a big difference between us. I’m charming. The Senator looks like an angry nun that just got kicked out of a convent.

JERRY

Nikki. The only thing you can charm is a snake. Let’s take a look at your policies.

HALEY

Okay.

JERRY

You oppose abortion rights with no exceptions. Oppose Medicaid and Affordable Health Care. You want to transform Medicare into a voucher program.

HALEY

I’m a generational change. Why not try it?

JERRY

One more thing, mongoose breath. You want to eliminate the corporate income tax. Corporations that rake in billions of dollars pay less taxes than me. And it’s not fair to take it out on lazy people. They didn’t do anything.

WARREN

She’s in the back pocket of oil companies and big pharma. It’s all about not taxing the rich. I’m a minority.

HALEY

Come on, Paleface. You used that baloney to get into Rutgers Law School.

JERRY

Haley. I’m going to get to the bottom of this feud. Who’s your favorite baseball team?

HALEY

Cleveland Indians.

JERRY

How about you, Warren?

WARREN

Atlanta Braves.

JERRY

Haley. Your favorite football team?

HALEY

(starts doing the tomahawk chop)

Kansas City Chiefs. The 2023 Super Bowl champs!

JERRY

Warren?

WARREN

Washington Redskins.

JERRY

Okay. For the title of The Real Indian and a free shopping trip to The Dollar Store.

JERRY

Warren. What kind of pets did you have growing up?

WARREN

A dog and two cats.

JERRY

Haley?

HALEY

A monkey and a snake.

JERRY

(bells go off and confetti falls on the set)

We have a winner! Congratulations, Ambassador Haley. You’re the real Indian! Here’s a twenty dollar bill to shop at The Dollar Store. Courtesy of The Jerry Duncan Show.

HALEY

I will cherish this moment forever. Thank you, Jerry.

JERRY

Senator Warren. What are you doing to help Democrats win elections?

WARREN

Going to run again for president in 2024. I believe in consumer protection from banksters and Wall Street. Medicare for all, more money for public school education, and regulations on pollution to save the earth from global warming.

HALEY

What a bunch of malarkey! I believe in school choice, so rich kids can be subsidized by the American taxpayer. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be deprived of a second home? The problem is too many immigrant children are dumbing down our schools. It’s costing us billions and draining the Federal budget.

JERRY

Interesting that you’re worried about a budget. Considering you can’t manage your own household. $450,000 in mortgage and credit card debt. That was the reason you left the UN, so you could make more money in the private sector.

WARREN

Yeah, Haley. Why can’t you buy clothes at Goodwill like some of us?

HALEY

If it’s owned by Neiman Marcus, I’ll take that into consideration. For your information, debt means you have more fun than you were supposed to. Anyone who lives within his or her means suffers from a lack of imagination.

JERRY

The Senator is going to help bail you out, Haley. She’s lowering your taxes. You’ll finally be financially secure.

WARREN

Ambassador Haley. Remember the Chinese words “Dung on Mai Shu.”

HALEY

What does that mean?

WARREN

You stepped in deep doo-doo.

JERRY

Senator Warren is your last hope. But it will cost you.

HALEY

What do I need to do?

JERRY

You must give up your title of The Real Indian to Senator Warren. She needs it for her campaign.

HALEY

Are you messing with my head? That’s impossible.

JERRY

Impossible is lighting a match on a bar of soap. Nikki Haley and Elizabeth Warren everyone. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.