Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about flying objects, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

US shoots down two more flying objects

Good chance China is now down to 95 Luft Balloons.

Trump’s plan for a 2nd term reportedly includes firing squads, hangings, and group executions

… no wonder Pence looks nervous.

Sugar is 8X more addictive than cocaine

What that tells you is researchers used some really shitty coke.

10-hr train journey to Kiev, details emerge of Biden’s secret trip

Even more impressive, at his age, it wasn’t part of a cruise.

The FCC received more than 100 complaints about Rihanna’s ‘gyrating’ and ‘perpetual air humping’ at the Super Bowl

It was so bad, some of those people almost stopped watching the TV.

Megan Fox reportedly found incriminating texts and DMs on Machine Gun Kelly’s phone

Yo, paging Pete Davidson. Paging Pete Davidson. Paging Pete Davidson.

262 pounds of marijuana falls from the San Diego sky

… Giving credence to the Big Bong Theory.

United States tells citizens: Leave Russia immediately

And, don’t stand by open windows…

RIP Raquel Welch

So, many guys had their first sexual experience with you, and you weren’t even in the room! God speed!

Many of the world’s billionaires share a zodiac sign, study finds

Yeah, the dollar sign.

Steve Bannon’s ex-lawyers sue him over nearly $500,000 in unpaid legal bills

Here’s betting the lawyers defending him got paid in advance.

Russell Westbrook opts for Clippers over Bulls in buyout market

So, he’ll still be known as Westbrick, not Midwestbrick.

Ben Stein complains he misses having large black woman on syrup bottle

Crazier, Ben Stein is probably someone’s Uncle Ben!

Fox News knew Trump’s voter fraud claims were ‘total BS’

… So, instead of the ‘The Five,’ we should call it ‘The Jive!’ …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)