Paul Simon on The Jerry Duncan Show - Dean Kaner,Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews singer/songwriter Paul Simon.

PAUL SIMON

(sings) I am a rock, I am an island.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is singer/songwriter Paul Simon.

JERRY

Good morning, Paul.

PAUL SIMON

Did you know that Art Garfunkel is short for Arthur Garfunkel?

JERRY

Paul Simon is short for a man.

SIMON

No wonder I played shortstop when I was a kid growing up in Queens.

JERRY

I can’t believe you’re 81 years old. Can you still perform?

SIMON

In the bedroom or in concert?

JERRY

Forget it. I think I know the answer.

You and Art Garfunkel met at school when you two were 11 years old. True?

SIMON

Yep. We started singing together in 1956. But that went south until 1966 when we reunited.

JERRY

You had some hit songs as Simon and Garfunkel that lead up to your breakout when you wrote and recorded the soundtrack for the movie The Graduate in 1967. It grossed $105 million dollars worldwide.

SIMON

We were popular. I wrote The Sounds of Silence, Mrs. Robinson, America, Bridge Over Troubled Water. I only asked one thing of Garfunkel to continue the partnership. Get a haircut. That’s when I introduced him to Edward Scissorhands. Now that guy knew how to trim things.

JERRY

Then you split up again in 1970.

SIMON

Yeah. 3 times with Art Garfunkel and married 3 times. What a coincidence.

JERRY

Do you have any kids?

SIMON

Four. Three boys and a girl.

JERRY

Any of the boys named Simple? Just sayin.

SIMON

If you were a baseball and I was a bat, I’d hit your ass out of the park.

JERRY

Hold that thought. I have Art Garfunkel on the line.

Art?

SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS

No. It’s Bernie Sanders.

JERRY

What?!

SANDERS

It was a trick. I’m a big Paul Simon fan. I have every album he ever recorded. Please, put him on.

JERRY

You’re asking me to put a 12 time Grammy winner on the phone with you?

SANDERS

Grammy, shmammy. Will it kill you for me to say hello?

JERRY

Go ahead, Paul.

SIMON

Hi Senator Sanders.

SANDERS

Call me Bernie. I have to tell you. Something is bothering me.

JERRY

He’s only warming up, folks.

SANDERS

Paul. I want to know when you wrote the song title Still Crazy After All These Years, if you had me in mind.

SIMON

No. Not even close…well sort of. But it’s not about you.

SANDERS

Thank goodness. You can’t imagine how many trips to the shrink I’ve made since the song was released. How about one more question?

JERRY

Bernster. This is an hour show, not Mr. Smith Goes To Washington.

SIMON

Go ahead, Bernie.

SANDERS

How can there be 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover? Were you fibbing when you wrote the song? Look. You said, “hop on the bus, slip out the back, drop off the key.” That’s 3. Where’s the other 47?

SIMON

It’s a song.

SANDERS

Misleading. You want to know about 50 ways to leave your lover? Call Jennifer Lopez. Hey everyone, I’ll be reading excerpts from my new book It’s Okay To Be Angry At Capitalism at The Comedy Store on March 4 and Giggles Comedy Club on March 11.

JERRY

Paul Simon and Senator Bernie Sanders. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.