Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the Tubi streamer service, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Fox CEO Lachlan Murdoch reportedly turned down multiple offers over $2 billion to buy Tubi as streamer reports record users and ad revenue

So, I guess it was not Tubi…

DeSantis Disney appointee said tap water might be turning people gay

Really, I always thought that seemed more likely from sparkling water.

USA Today network, newspapers and distributor drop Dilbert

Dilbert did make the newspapers one more time … in the Obits.

Biden awards Medal of Honor to Black Vietnam War hero after paperwork ‘lost’ twice

George Santos: You’re welcome.

Prince Andrew Is reportedly threatening to write a tell-all book unless his royal status is reinstated

Look for it to be called ‘Spare No One!’

Matthew McConaughey on Lufthansa flight that left 7 people hospitalized

Fortunately, in the end, everyone’s going to be “Alright. Alright. Alright.”

CPAC 2023: Marjorie Taylor Greene whips up boos for Ukraine’s Zelensky

It seems CPAC’s now so pro-Russian that next year it’ll be called CCCPac.

Murdaugh guilty

Which makes him a convicted Murdaugher.

Disney’s new Tron ride: Lightcycle seats cause rider discomfort

Apparently, the ride is sponsored by Southwest Airlines …

Yoko Ono turned 90

No word if she’s trying to break up AARP.

Report: Bill Cosby going back on tour

You can use your cell phones, while all drinks will be locked in pouches during show.

‘Should you know if a trainee does your eye surgery?’

Good chance if you don’t know before you’re not going to be able to pick them out afterward.

Record snow falls in parts of Southern California

If ever Charlie Sheen was looking for a sign to relapse, this would be it.

A Florida man dies from brain eating amoeba

… In Florida … I’m surprised the amoeba didn’t die from starvation!

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)