Wherein our intrepid talk radio host interviews Florida Governor Ron DeSantis.
DONALD TRUMP
Ladies and Gentlemen. Meatball Ron DeSantis.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Not really. Today on the show my guest is Florida Governor Ron DeSantis.
JERRY
Welcome, Governor.
GOVERNOR RON DESANTIS
Don’t want to be here. I’d rather berate school children wearing masks and banning books in schools.
JERRY
Hold that thought. I have good news. The Mars Rover found your birth mother an hour ago.
DESANTIS
Oh, man. No wonder I crave Mars bars and trips to Roswell, New Mexico.
JERRY
Here’s the bad news. Trump is upset that you’re thinking of running for president in 2024. He called you “Meatball Ron.”
DESANTIS
I love meatballs. I’m Italian.
JERRY
Hey, Ronnie. Where do poor meatballs live in Italy?
DESANTIS
Are you serious, Duncan?
JERRY
I am.
DESANTIS
Where?
JERRY
In the spaghetto.
DESANTIS
You know, Duncan. Trump should focus on his own problems. That buffoon will probably be indicted.
JERRY
And if he’s not?
DESANTIS
The Proud Boys will feed me to the sharks.
JERRY
You were a U.S. Congressman from Florida in 2013-18. Judge Advocate in the Naval Reserve. Deployed to Iraq with the SEAL team as a legal advisor. You were a good guy. Now you’re bad.
DESANTIS
There is no bad.
JERRY
Not so fast, hog breath. You’re against DACA. Oppose recreational marijuana. Against minimum wage increase. Drafted legislation to protect Confederate monuments, and support abortion restrictions. Even thinking about abandoning the Ukraine if elected president.
DESANTIS
What’s your point?
JERRY
You’re a douchebag.
DESANTIS
No. I’m not! I’m selling merchandise leftover from my election campaign with cool slogans like “Don’t Fauci My Florida” on T-shirts. And I train alligators to circumcise baby boys in Miami Beach.
JERRY
You’re not a governor for all the people.
DESANTIS
That’s because those peeps are woke. Florida is where woke goes to die. We want reality, facts, and truth to become optional. As my insurrectionist friend Rudy Giuliani said, “Truth isn’t truth.”
JERRY
The truth is you took control of Disney World, because you want to be the only Mickey Mouse operation.
DESANTIS
I have the keys to the Magic Kingdom. I’m their new landlord. Hahaha.
JERRY
You removed some books in schools about Anne Frank.
DESANTIS
Why not? She didn’t vote for me.
JERRY
You want to whitewash slavery from history so white people won’t feel guilty. You are a racist!
DESANTIS
No. The slaves got free housing, and jobs in their field. God bless America.
JERRY
Flipper the dolphin is dying to join our conversation. He’s pissed off about cruise ships in his turf.
DESANTIS
Go ahead. Let him talk.
Jerry calls Flipper.
JERRY
Flipper. It’s Jerry Duncan.
FLIPPER
EEEEE. EEEEEEEE. Put pimple face on the line.
JERRY
Okay. Here we go.
All three on the call.
DESANTIS
What’s the problem, Blubber?
FLIPPER
It’s Flipper. And I got a problem with you!
DESANTIS
Bring it on.
FLIPPER
There are dozens of loan sharks in my turf. Selling condos to jelly fish. Our property values have gone south. What’s even worse are cruise ships polluting the water.
DESANTIS
Are you sure it’s not the Miami Dolphins taking a swim?
FLIPPER
Mark my word. Florida will be under water some day and I’ll be sleeping with you and your wife in a waterbed. EEEEE EEEEEEEE.
DESANTIS
No, you won’t. You’re being deported to Martha’s Vineyard like I did to those Venezuelan migrants. Say good-bye to your pod.
FLIPPER
F U DeSantos. You’re ugly. So ugly that you make a blind kid scream.
JERRY
You sure have bad luck when you think, Ronnie.
JERRY
Governor Ron DeSantis everyone. He’s proof that you can’t make steak out of hamburger meat. See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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