Governor Ron DeSantis Interview - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio host interviews Florida Governor Ron DeSantis.

DONALD TRUMP

Ladies and Gentlemen. Meatball Ron DeSantis.

Governor Ron DeSantis, caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com — Governor Ron DeSantis caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Not really. Today on the show my guest is Florida Governor Ron DeSantis.

JERRY

Welcome, Governor.

GOVERNOR RON DESANTIS

Don’t want to be here. I’d rather berate school children wearing masks and banning books in schools.

JERRY

Hold that thought. I have good news. The Mars Rover found your birth mother an hour ago.

DESANTIS

Oh, man. No wonder I crave Mars bars and trips to Roswell, New Mexico.

JERRY

Here’s the bad news. Trump is upset that you’re thinking of running for president in 2024. He called you “Meatball Ron.”

DESANTIS

I love meatballs. I’m Italian.

JERRY

Hey, Ronnie. Where do poor meatballs live in Italy?

DESANTIS

Are you serious, Duncan?

JERRY

I am.

DESANTIS

Where?

JERRY

In the spaghetto.

DESANTIS

You know, Duncan. Trump should focus on his own problems. That buffoon will probably be indicted.

JERRY

And if he’s not?

DESANTIS

The Proud Boys will feed me to the sharks.

JERRY

You were a U.S. Congressman from Florida in 2013-18. Judge Advocate in the Naval Reserve. Deployed to Iraq with the SEAL team as a legal advisor. You were a good guy. Now you’re bad.

DESANTIS

There is no bad.

JERRY

Not so fast, hog breath. You’re against DACA. Oppose recreational marijuana. Against minimum wage increase. Drafted legislation to protect Confederate monuments, and support abortion restrictions. Even thinking about abandoning the Ukraine if elected president.

DESANTIS

What’s your point?

JERRY

You’re a douchebag.

DESANTIS

No. I’m not! I’m selling merchandise leftover from my election campaign with cool slogans like “Don’t Fauci My Florida” on T-shirts. And I train alligators to circumcise baby boys in Miami Beach.

JERRY

You’re not a governor for all the people.

DESANTIS

That’s because those peeps are woke. Florida is where woke goes to die. We want reality, facts, and truth to become optional. As my insurrectionist friend Rudy Giuliani said, “Truth isn’t truth.”

JERRY

The truth is you took control of Disney World, because you want to be the only Mickey Mouse operation.

DESANTIS

I have the keys to the Magic Kingdom. I’m their new landlord. Hahaha.

JERRY

You removed some books in schools about Anne Frank.

DESANTIS

Why not? She didn’t vote for me.

JERRY

You want to whitewash slavery from history so white people won’t feel guilty. You are a racist!

DESANTIS

No. The slaves got free housing, and jobs in their field. God bless America.

JERRY

Flipper the dolphin is dying to join our conversation. He’s pissed off about cruise ships in his turf.

DESANTIS

Go ahead. Let him talk.

Jerry calls Flipper.

JERRY

Flipper. It’s Jerry Duncan.

FLIPPER

EEEEE. EEEEEEEE. Put pimple face on the line.

JERRY

Okay. Here we go.

All three on the call.

DESANTIS

What’s the problem, Blubber?

FLIPPER

It’s Flipper. And I got a problem with you!

DESANTIS

Bring it on.

FLIPPER

There are dozens of loan sharks in my turf. Selling condos to jelly fish. Our property values have gone south. What’s even worse are cruise ships polluting the water.

DESANTIS

Are you sure it’s not the Miami Dolphins taking a swim?

FLIPPER

Mark my word. Florida will be under water some day and I’ll be sleeping with you and your wife in a waterbed. EEEEE EEEEEEEE.

DESANTIS

No, you won’t. You’re being deported to Martha’s Vineyard like I did to those Venezuelan migrants. Say good-bye to your pod.

FLIPPER

F U DeSantos. You’re ugly. So ugly that you make a blind kid scream.

JERRY

You sure have bad luck when you think, Ronnie.

JERRY

Governor Ron DeSantis everyone. He’s proof that you can’t make steak out of hamburger meat. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.