Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Fox TV Host Tucker Carlson.
PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN
Folks. “The Big Lie” himself Fucker Charlatan. I mean Friar Tuck. Is it Tummy Tuck? Shucks, Tucker Carlson.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? No, it’s not. Today on the show my guest is Fox TV host of Tucker Carlson Tonight…Tucker Carlson.
TUCKER CARLSON
Hello Jerry.
JERRY
Are you sure you’re not the grown up Eddie Munster from The Munsters TV show?
TUCKER CARLSON
Yes. My DNA test turned out negative. Funny though, the test did show I’m part weasel.
JERRY
You’ve had your show since 2016. Number one rating in TV talk news. What do you attribute to your success?
TUCKER
Simple. Fox News is “fair and balanced.”
JERRY
(laughs) I get it. That’s a joke.
TUCKER
Did I say something funny?
JERRY
And speaking of jokes. I can’t believe you worked for MSNBC, CNN and PBS.
TUCKER
True. I had my own shows and participated in panel discussions on hot topics as a conservative.
JERRY
How could you be on liberal leaning networks? Conservatives have no compassion for the middle class and poor.
TUCKER
C’mon. Give me an example.
JERRY
Okay. My aunt is on social security. Gets $1,200 a month from the Feds and lives in a trailer. And Republicans want to take that away from her.
TUCKER
The trailer?
JERRY
No numb nuts, her social security.
TUCKER
How old is your aunt?
JERRY
88. And she doesn’t like weasels.
TUCKER
Let me explain my position. If a person reaches 88 years old, they are entitled to social security. Everyone else is on their own. Hey, I need money for retirement. I can’t live off a $20 million dollar pension if we give people over 62 years old social security.
JERRY
Let’s look at the things you pulled out of your ass over the years. You support tax cuts for welfare, child care, food stamps, and other Federal assistance programs including Pell Grants. All of which help the needy.
TUCKER
What are Pell Grants?
JERRY
The Feds subsidize college tuition for poor kids.
TUCKER
Yep. Then I’m against it.
JERRY
If the rich don’t pay their fair share of taxes, then what’s your solution to reduce the deficit?
TUCKER
Simple. We eliminate the capital gains tax, corporate income tax, and the estate tax for wealthy folks like me. It will employ more people.
JERRY
We already have the lowest unemployment ever under Joe Biden. And he’s making the wealthy pay taxes. Sorry, mop head. That doesn’t fly.
TUCKER
Let me throw out some other convoluted logic.
JERRY.
No. Let’ talk about your lies on the air about a stolen election in 2020. The owner of Fox News, your boss Rupert Murdoch testified under oath to a grand jury that the election was not stolen. That the Dominion voting machines were accurate. Your response?
TUCKER
The man is senile. He coughs, farts, sneezes and pees at the same time. Just ask his ex-wives.
JERRY
Not so fast. You showed selective footage on your show from the January 6, 2021 insurrection claiming the Trump thugs were peacefully taking a tour of the capitol. That no one was hurt. What we all witnessed on TV in real time was staged by the FBI.
TUCKER
Just sayin.
JERRY
140 police officers were injured. 5 people died. All because Trump wouldn’t accept the results of the election. We have text messages that you didn’t believe Trump.
TUCKER
Please, don’t bring that up. I could lose my listeners!
JERRY
You said about the Trumpster, “I hate him passionately.” Senator Lindsey Graham said that it was sad to see you go off the rails about the insurrection. Senator Thom Tillis called your account bullshit. There were even more Republicans who blasted you including Senator Mitch McConnell.
TUCKER
Who cares? Congressman George Santos believes me. Would he lie?
JERRY
You’re one and done on my show, Tucker. Remember the words of Confucius who said, “Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with sticky fingers.”
JERRY
Tucker Carlson everyone. See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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