Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Norfolk Southern Railway derailments, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

NTSB to investigate Norfolk Southern Railway after multiple recent accidents

Geez, it’s like the Norfolk Southern CEO is Gomez Addams.

Kellyanne Conway, George Conway to divorce after decades long marriage

Don’t even think about it, Pete Davidson.

Mormon Church fined by SEC for allegedly hiding $32 billion

… Looking forward to the Musical version “The Cooked Books of Mormon.”

Biden approves emergency declaration for California after severe floods

It was raining so hard, I saw a squirrel in a Speedo back stroking down my street.

Prince Andrew ‘furious’ with King Charles over possible ‘humiliating’ ban, royal experts claim

Who knew Charles had that kind of power at who gets into Chuck E. Cheese?

Tucker Carlson, with new video provided by Speaker McCarthy, falsely depicts Jan. 6 riot as a peaceful gathering

Next, Tucker will report that WW 2 didn’t happen, proving it with footage of Nazi soldiers behaving like peaceful tourists taking photos of Eiffel Tower in ‘occupied’ Paris.

US Space Force Chief Andrew Cox “kept a silver case full of sex toys”

Look for him to get a job at Space XXX.

Tom Brady considering another comeback

… potential teams include the Dolphins, Cardinals, and AARP.

Alex Murdaugh trial: Detective explains key crime scene mystery after killer begins appeal

The big mystery was George Santos didn’t confess.

Blinken claims China ‘strongly considering’ providing Russia with ‘lethal assistance’

No word yet from Wynken or Nod…

Exes Sean Penn and Robin Wright seen together for first time in years at Los Angeles Airport

If he’s seen with Madonna, does that mean his wifes are flashing in front of his eyes?

Kris Jenner opens up about marrying for a third time

Or, as it’s also known a casting change.

Reminder, Tulsi Gabbard voted ‘present’ in Impeachment against Trump

… As opposed to her usual dah or nyet!

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)