Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about weed on the Las Vegas Strip, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Las Vegas Strip has an unexpected cannabis problem

My guess, they’re getting clobbered at the all-you-can-eat buffets …

DeSantis administration revokes Hyatt Regency Miami alcohol license after it hosted “A Drag Queen Christmas”

Really, what’s more Christmasy for some then ‘donning their Gay Apparel.’

Submarine with 2 bodies, 3 tons of cocaine seized in the Pacific Ocean

… In three, two, one … Cocaine Sharknado.

More than 30-50 feral Canadian hybrid ‘super pigs’ reportedly headed towards USA

Hey, Joe Biden, build a wall and make ‘Honey Baked’ pay for it.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day

Which is Irish for Cinco de Mayo.

Texas school official casually left gun in third grade bathroom stalls

In fairness, maybe it was just a Godfather reenactment gone terribly wrong …

Tom Brady considering another comeback

… but that’s probably just the Metamucil talking.

Tiger Woods denies having ‘oral tenancy agreement’ with ex Erica Herman amid messy $30 million lawsuit

Minds out of the gutter, people.

Tucker Carlson said he hated Trump ‘passionately”

If you think that’s bad,you should’ve heard it in the original Russian.

What banking crisis? Warren Buffett’s Berkshire Hathaway spends close to $500 million on Occidental stock in 3 days

Or, in technical terms, ‘Fill ‘er up!’

Elon Musk is reportedly building his own town in Texas

To be called Muskow, Texas.

Oscar nominated songwriter Tems goes viral after blocking audience’s view at the Oscars with huge gown and wedding veil

If there was justice Kareem Abdul Jabbar will be sitting in front of Tems … Forever.

George Santos continues to have no committee assignments

So, he can concentrate on defending his Indy 500 title.

A massive seaweed blob is headed to Florida — rotten stench included – Sun Sentinel

… And then to NY to be indicted …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)