Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)
President Biden announced that he will shutter all Chinese restaurants in the ongoing effort to end Chinese espionage in America.
SNN undercover espionage reporters I.C. Yu and Dr. Cloak N. Dagger recently were granted a clandestine interview with American President Joseph Biden about his battle with China. Mr. Biden stated that after he bans TikTok, he will then shutter every Chinese restaurant in the United States.
Biden stated, “Panda Express is secretly the headquarters for the Chinese Secret Service and everybody working there is a dangerous secret agent out to ruin America.”
“Every time you eat Peking Duck,” he continued, “you swallow tiny microchips that report to a scientist in Peking when you use the bathroom. Moo Gu Gai Pan contains crystals that give all your banking information to the Bank of Quong Bong in China. Mooshu Pork is a secret TikTok challenge that urges you to choke your spouse.”
Mr. Biden was quite animated in telling the correspondents that Egg fu Yung reports all Americans sexual activities to someone in China and that Egg drop soup contains mind control drugs. He said that spring rolls contain stimulants that urge you to spend all your finances on Chinese Lottery tickets.
Mr Biden stated that the most dangerous of Chinese food are those fortune cookies that you get free with each meal, because they contain a mind-bending substance that persuades all Americans to vote for Donald Trump in the 2024 presidential election.
SNN Breaking News
Donald Trump to battle Alvin Bragg in a “loser leaves New York” death match at Wrestlemania. Stormy Daniels to referee.
SNN Words to Live By
“Nobody is below the law.” — Ex-Veep Mike Pence.
“Madness loves company.” — AT&T TV ad.
“Sometimes a half measure of justice is worse than no justice at all.” — Jack McCoy (Sam Waterston), Law & Order TV series.
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