Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the Gwyneth Paltrow’s ‘Skigate’ trial, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Gwyneth Paltrow Skigate — Gwyneth Paltrow at ‘Skigate’ trial.

The Judge ‘baffled’ by Gwyneth Paltrow’s request to dish out treats at ‘skigate’ trial

And, why she named her kid Apple …

It’ll cost DeSantis’ handpicked board at least $1,300 per hour to hire a team of lawyers to investigate how Disney outmaneuvered them

So … parking, one entry ticket, and Mouse ears sans name embroidery.

Play ball! It’s opening day for Major League Baseball

And, NYDA Alvin Bragg threw out the first indictment!

2,000-year-old artifacts unearthed by archaeologists in Pompeii.
See what they found

Uh, pics of Joe Biden on spring break from college.

Man eating McDonald’s for 100 days is down nearly 30 Lbs.

… and 12 years in life expectancy.

David Pecker appears before Trump Grand Jury

For those wondering that’s David Pecker … no relation to Woody Wood …

Elon Musk values Twitter at $20 billion — less than half what he paid

Wow, Twitter’s value crashed like a Tesla on autopilot.

This NYC Judge was reportedly fired after his OnlyFans was discovered

That’s one guy who sure likes to show up for work in a robe.

Wheel of Fortune contestant responds to controversial moment Pat Sajak put him in a head lock on air

Contestant: W _ _ T T_ _ F _ C _, P _ T!

Dalai Lama names US-born Mongolian boy as reincarnation of Buddhist leader

George Santos: I accept!

Snoop Dogg comes to his senses, puts Death Row records’ catalog back on streaming services

At least we don’t have to ask: “What the hell was he smoking?”

Kim Kardashian looks amazing in unedited thong bikini pics

Welp, she did lose 180 lbs. of ass when she got rid of Kanye.

Meghan McCain tells Donald Trump to ‘grow up’ after he uses a clip of her father John McCain, in Campaign Ad

… she’s John McCain’s daughter? Who knew? …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)