Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is the Senator from the great state of South Carolina Lindsey Graham. Good morning, Senator.
SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM
You know, I was thinking of something while I was driving over here.
JERRY
What?
GRAHAM
If I’m against torture, what the hell am I doing on this show?
JERRY
Lindsey cracked a funny. Ha, ha. Let’s get down to business, Pillsbury Doughboy. Why are you wearing a tuxedo?
GRAHAM
I’m a finalist on The Bachelor. It’s the senior edition called Bachelor In Leisure World. The challenge is to get women out of bed, not in it.
JERRY
Fancy schmancy duds. A Ralph Kramden.
GRAHAM
No, you idiot. It’s Ralph Lauren.
JERRY
Suggestion. Lose the combat boots. Let’s see, you’ve been in Congress since 1995. First in the House until 2003, then elected to the Senate. What’s your priority?
GRAHAM
I am defending Donald J. Trump from the political witch hunt. We need to save this man from going broke. All he did was pay a porn star hush money during his presidential campaign. Is that a Federal crime?
JERRY
Not if you’re a Republican. Trump also incited an insurrection on our Capitol on January 6, 2021. He kept 700 top secret documents illegally at Mar-a-Lago. And tried to strong arm state officials in Georgia to change the results of the 2020 election.
GRAHAM
How do you know that was really Trump? It could be artificial intelligence to make it sound like him.
JERRY
No. It was Trump, because he has no intelligence.
JERRY
By the way, you’re just as complicit. You also called Georgia officials to change the election results. It was an attempted coup.
GRAHAM
Duncan. The only coup I ever took part was in 1997 when I tried to get House Speaker Newt Gingrich out of office for ethics violations.
JERRY
Scouts honor?
GRAHAM
Yes. Do you know what the Newtster did?
JERRY
Cheated on two wives? Wore a Confederate soldier uniform to work?
GRAHAM
Beside all that. Gingrich claimed tax-exempt status for a college class he taught and got paid. It was supposed to be non-partisan. Guess what?
JERRY
That’s what. Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
GRAHAM
It was partisan. He humiliated students that couldn’t read, shamed girls having babies in their teens, and more.
JERRY
Those peeps are my listeners.
GRAHAM
Right now, I’m collecting donations to pay for Trump’s legal defense fund. In fact, I kicked in five bucks.
JERRY
Why defend Trump? You ran against him in the presidential primary in 2016.
GRAHAM
Yep. It didn’t go down well. Trump was out for cheap laughs and humiliated the competition. The Marco Rubio shtick with his small hands was disgusting. Claiming my pal John McCain was not a war hero troubling. He called me weak. Me? Why I can juggle Kim Jung-un and Vladimir Putin on my nuts. I know Trump can’t put two words together. But I get free green fees when I golf at Mar-a-Lago. And all the Kentucky Fried Chicken I can eat after the Donald regurgitates it.
JERRY
Why are you still in Congress?
GRAHAM
Simple. I care about America. I want real health care reform. In other words, nobody gets health insurance. We can use those government subsidies to give tax cuts to the rich. They are the job creators.
JERRY
Hold on there, slick. There’s downsizing at companies. CEO’s and stockholders are the only ones making piles of cash.
GRAHAM
They’re my peeps. You got yours and I got mine. Na na na na naa.
JERRY
You’re a 67 year old man still single.
GRAHAM
I know. But if I can’t have a real life Barbie doll then I won’t get married.
JERRY
Hey. Look at your angry, ugly self in the mirror. You’re no Ken.
GRAHAM
I’m crushed.
JERRY
Do you know why Barbie dolls aren’t made of plastic anymore?
GRAHAM
No.
JERRY
Because Kim Kardashian took it all.
JERRY
What does the future hold for Lindsey Graham?
GRAHAM
I’ll be doing a one man show about Ted Cruz called Cruzin. Audiences can relive Mr. Mean with such classics as the time he shut down the government that cost taxpayers nearly $23 million. When he went ballistics during the 2016 presidential campaign after Trump said his dad was part of the Kennedy assassination plot. Likened congressional members who didn’t vote to defund the Affordable Care Act to Nazis. And who can forget when Cruz said global warming alarmists are the equivalent of the Flat-Earthers. At the end of the show, former House Speaker John Boehner makes a cameo appearance with his famous quote, “I have never worked with a more miserable son of a bitch in my life.”
JERRY
I’ll buy ten tickets. Boycott Tennessee!
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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