Mitch "Turtle" McConnell Interview - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Senate Minority Leader Republican Mitch “Turtle” McConnell.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. My guest today is Senate Minority Leader Republican Mitch “Turtle” McConnell. A busy man in Washington.

MITCH “TURTLE” MCCONNELL

Thanks for having me. I appreciate the special terrarium you provided in the green room. The lettuce and bug spread was delicious.

JERRY

Some of the idiots from the studio took the worms to go fishing, or you would have had more food.

MITCH

(burps) That’s okay. I’m a happy little turtle.

JERRY

Let’s get right to it. You don’t like Donald Trump. He called your wife Elaine Chao “Coco Chow.” It’s racist, buddy.

MITCH

I think he meant Coco Puffs. His favorite snack along with Kentucky Fried Chicken and McDonald’s double cheeseburgers. All at the same time, I might add.

JERRY

But you said you would vote for Trump in 2024 if he is the GOP presidential nominee.

MITCH

I would absolutely support him. They’ll be another tax break for the wealthy.

MITCH

(whispers) I’m inheriting a ton of dough when my in-laws die. I love things that are green. Reminds me of my shell.

JERRY

Yeah, but you said Trump’s actions on January 6, 2021 was a “disgraceful dereliction of duty. That he is morally responsible for provoking the events of the day.”

MITCH

I did. Then Trump threatened me, so I hid in my shell for weeks.

JERRY

You’ve earned the reputation of being a villain in the Senate. A real bad ass, especially during the Obama years. And now Biden. Tell me, do you have any friends?

MITCH

Oh, sure. Former House Speaker Paul Ryan and I are good buds. I’m helping him get his DNA tested, because he could be little Eddie from The Munsters. The ears, the hair, the smirk on his face. Now we know what Eddie looked like when he grew up.

MITCH

I’m also friends with Ted Cruz.

JERRY

(surprised) Really?

MITCH

No! I wanted to get a rise out of you. (pause) Cruz is the meanest troll ever elected to Congress. He’s so nasty that Cuban immigrants want to go back to Havana. They begged my wife for boats when she was Secretary of Transportation.

JERRY

So you do have friends.

MITCH

They can buy me anytime. Are you listening Koch brothers? I’m for sale.

JERRY

What’s Democratic Majority Leader Chuck Schumer like to work with in the Senate?

MITCH

Have you ever brushed up against a cactus? No, actually Chuck did a real nice thing. He said that when I retire, I can live in his cousin’s pond in upstate New York.

JERRY

Sweet. (pause) Hey, you want to withdraw from the Paris Climate Accords. Think what that might do to your pond? The water could evaporate. No place to swim or hunt for food.

MITCH

Then I guess I’d have to adapt and become a tortoise. Always liked Palm Springs. Wait, make it Phoenix. California has too many Democrats.

JERRY

Are you planning to run for the Senate in 2026? You’ll be 84 years old. And you recently suffered a concussion.

MITCH

It was a stupid accident. I tripped over my penis pump.

JERRY

Speaking of which. Do you know what the elephant said to the naked man?

MITCH

No.

JERRY

How do you breathe through that thing. Senator Mitch McConnell everyone. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.