Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Halle Berry posing nude on her balcony, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Halle Berry balcony — Halle Berry enjoying some sun on her balcony.

Halle Berry poses nude while drinking wine on her balcony

Putin: “Damn, all I can see from my porch is Sarah Palin’s house…”

Moody’s has downgraded the Israeli credit rating from positive to stable

Moody’s should change its name from Moody’s to Meshugana.

Train derails in Montana spilling Coors into a river

The fish won’t be able to tell the difference.

Joe Biden in Ireland: President says Mayo is ‘part of my soul’

Although, for his health, he might want to lay off having it with too many carbs.

Kim Kardashian will star in ‘American Horror Story’

Ironically, which was also the original name of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

Florida has been covered by an enormous, smelly, red wave

… and there’s the seaweed thing, too.

Pete Davidson to guest host SNL

Which means, afterwards, he’s going to take advantage of himself.

Belgium remains the cocaine capital of Europe

Why do you think those waffles are so addictive!?

Happy 76th birthday David Letterman

That’s 532 in Stupid Pet Trick years!

Pandemic pounds push 10,000 U.S. Army soldiers into obesity

Or, as the extra pounds are known ‘The COVID 19.’

Sea levels rising rapidly in southern U.S., study finds

Trump on danger to Mar-a-Lago: “So, what? I’m used to having my businesses underwater.”

Delta loses $363 million but says travel demand still strong

It’s probably with my luggage!

Lobsterman reels in strange metallic catch, Maine police say

Little known fact: Lobsterman’s kryptonite is hot butter sauce.

Matt Taibbi, after fight with Elon Musk, is now on Truth Social

… Guess he wanted some time alone …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)