Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about ‘Don’t say gay’ rules, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

So-called ‘Don’t Say Gay’ rules expanded through 12th grade in Florida

Next, Florida plans to ban “Dracula” because he lives in Transylvania!

Daily marijuana users are more likely to take this health hit, a new study finds

I’m guessing, not remembering what the health hit is….

Nick Cannon claims he has ‘super sperm’ as women got pregnant despite practicing ‘birth control’

Clearly, he’s one Cannon that doesn’t shoot blanks.

A Delaware man admitted he drunkenly snapped the thumb off of a $4.5 million ancient Chinese statue and swiped it

In fairness, Joe Biden said it looked like one he bought new and lost.

Son ordered 3 failed hits on his mafia-linked father

… When you’re grateful your son’s a failure.

Burger King is closing 27 more locations across the US

Causing cardiologists to have to consider a BMW 5 Series instead of a 7 Series.

Garden State legend Bruce Springsteen is getting his own holiday in New Jersey

It’ll be known each year as the first day of Springsteen.

Mike Pence booed at the NRA gathering, even as he seeks to move to the right of Trump on guns

Wait until he speaks at the NNA: the National Noose Association.

Jeff Bezos’ new $500MM mega-yacht didn’t have a helipad so he bought a support yacht

… Good thing he has Amazon Prime and didn’t have to wait more than 1-3 days!

Take a tour of Michael Jordan’s Chicago mansion that’s been on the market for 10 years and see why he can’t sell it

… Seems it’s not worth that much unless it includes Scottie Pippen and Phil Jackson.

Fox News reaches $787-million settlement in Dominion defamation suit

Can’t wait for Susan Collins to say Fox learned its lesson.

‘Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly’: SpaceX Starship explodes after test flight launch

Interestingly, ‘Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly’ is the literal translation for IKEA.

Jason Alexander left Twitter for Spoutable

For those who celebrate Festivus, it came early this year on Spoutable.

90 percent of Republicans think Trump’s being railroaded

The rest of the country wishes the railroad was Norfolk Southern!

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)