Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about mysterious piles of pasta, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Mysterious piles of pasta found in a New Jersey forest

I guess that’s why it’s known as the Olive Garden State.

Massive penis is mowed into lawn at King Charles Coronation party venue

It’s ‘Hey, get off my lawn,’ NOT ‘Hey, get off on my lawn!’

Brad Pitt will be driving a real F1 car alongside the other 20 drivers starting at Silverstone

That’s really gotta piss off defending champion, George Santos.

Biden cracked jokes at Correspondents’ Dinner

While they named a menu item after Trump’s non-appearances …. Orange Flavored Chicken!

Ed Sheeran wins copyright-infringement lawsuit involving hit song “Thinking Out Loud” – ABC News

No word if Sheeran heard it through the grapevine.

Fox News viewers aren’t happy Brian Kilmeade is hosting Tucker Carlson’s show tonight”

Look for Kilmeade’s new show, ‘FOX and Friendless.”

Michelin-star chef shocks fans with plan to add semen-based dish to his menu

… The Beef Jerky Off, I presume.

RIP Harry Belafonte

Day light came and you’re gonna go home. God speed.

Clouds above L.A., more showers in forecast

… Either that or Snoop and Willie Nelson are still partying at Willie’s birthday concert after-party.

Kim Kardashian says she’s lost 21 lbs. since before last Met Gala

191, if count Kanye.

LeBron James nails half-court, no-look shot in Lakers practice

Or, as Steph Curry calls it a lay-up.

The WHO says Covid 19 no longer global emergency

I’m gonna wait for Led Zeppelin to weigh in…

18,000 cows killed in fire at Texas ranch

Instead of water, they put out the fire with barbecue sauce.

US jobs report shows gain of 253K in April

…Would’ve been 253,002 but, y’know, Tucker Carlson and Don Lemon …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)