Donald & Melania: Talk Radio Interview

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Donald & Melania Trump.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Definitely not. Today on the show my guests are Donald & Melania Trump. Ex-President Donald Trump is a twice-impeached, insurrectionist and convicted sex abuser. His wife Melania is a former model and mail order bride.

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP

You forgot to mention I was indicted in Manhattan. I’m a stable genius.

JERRY

Yeah. Falsifying business records in order to conceal damaging information before the 2016 election.

TRUMP

I’m the most honest person you’ll ever know. Just ask my wife.

MELANIA TRUMP

Not this wife. Maybe Marla Marbles. He cheat when I pregnant.

JERRY

Is that why you wear black?

MELANIA

Yes. I rehearsing for husband funeral.

TRUMP

What?! I’m going to die?

MELANIA

(nods in the affirmative) Yes. You eat bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken and McDonald’s double cheeseburgers every day. Fat tummy explode.

JERRY

Aren’t you making sure he eats healthy?

MELANIA

No. Have interview for The Bachelorette TV show.

JERRY

You may have to compete with Jean Carroll and Stormy Daniels.

MELANIA

Jean old lady. Stormy big boob.

TRUMP

Never heard of either one. They sound nasty.

JERRY

Let me refresh your memory. What’s left of it. You sexually abused Jean Carroll in a dressing room at Bergdorf Goodman department store. A jury of nine found you guilty in a Manhattan courtroom.

TRUMP

For your information, Bergdorf Goodman are my accountants. There are very fine people on both sides.

JERRY

Are you on drugs, Trumpster?

MELANIA

He sniff glue, Duncan. I call him Chunky Junkie.

JERRY

You paid off Stormy Daniels to cover up the sex while you were married to Melania.

TRUMP

Hold that thought. Can’t figure out if I cheated on Stormy or Melania.

JERRY

Melania.

TRUMP

You’re wrong. It was both.

JERRY

You recently held a CNN Town Hall in New Hampshire hosted by Kaitlan Collins. You still lie about the 2020 election being rigged.

TRUMP

Hey. It gets laughs.

TRUMP

That Kaitlan is a lightweight. I steam rolled her and sucked the oxygen out of the room. Her botox lips were moving, but nothing came out. Though I did detect a smelly fart.

JERRY

I need to stop the interview. Your former Vice President Mike Pence is on the line.

TRUMP

Is Mike calling from heaven? I think the Proud Boys hung him on January 6, 2021.

VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE

The Lord is my salvation. I am well hung, not hung.

TRUMP

You’re weak, Mike. You should have certified the election for me. I won.

PENCE

Return to the Lord your God, for He is gracious and merciful. Slow to anger.

TRUMP

Your wife is not my type.

PENCE

God will roar from Zion and utter His voice from Jerusalem.

TRUMP

The only reason I chose you for Vice President is so no one would assassinate me.

PENCE

And Abraham saddled his ass and rode out of town.

JERRY

The perfect segway. Time to shove that bible up your rear, Veep. Donald Trump, Melania Trump and Mike Pence everyone. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.