Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about telling Halle Bailey and Halle Berry apart, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Halle Bailey ‘honored’ to play Ariel in ‘Little Mermaid’ remake

I can’t be only one who keeps thinking Halle Berry is the new ‘Little Mermaid.’

Trump CNN Town Hall described as train wreck

Let’s face it; if that Trump Town Hall was anymore of a train wreck, it would have been sponsored by Norfolk Southern.

Costco offering $2,500 off Volvo EVs

But you do have to order 237 of them….

Biden says not yet ready to invoke 14th Amendment to avoid debt default

… Which he helped pass.

Robert De Niro welcomes 7th child at age 79

Sending the kids to their room must get redundant: “Am I talking to you? You see anyone else around here?”

McDonald’s found liable for hot Chicken McNugget that burned girl

I’d be more shocked if they found actual chicken in the McNugget.

JLo’s mom ‘prayed for 20 years’ that her daughter and Ben Affleck would get back together

She must have really wanted a Gigli 2.

The jury has awarded E Jean Carroll $5M

That’s enough to buy Truth Social and still have almost 5 mil left.

Clarence Thomas kid’s tuition paid for while hearing cases involving Harlan Crow, the guy who paid it

So, a Quid Pro Crow!

Tucker Carlson got fired

Must’ve been the vaccine.

Sleeping Hilton Hotel guest wakes up to manager sucking on his feet, Tennessee lawsuit says

I’m guessing Hilton will foot that bill.

An entire generation of Asian girls were named after Connie Chung

… while her husband, Maury Povich, is not their father.

A scientist says he’s solved the Bermuda Triangle, just like that

Unfortunately, he’s three days late, and counting, for the news conference…

Substitute teacher, 72, arrested for masturbating in HS hallway

Guess he misunderstood when they said he could come anytime he wanted.

Case against serial liar George Santos slam dunk, legal experts say

… Which reminded Santos of when he beat Michael Jordan in the NBA dunking contest.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)