Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about stolen Bitcoin, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Feds discover $3.4 billion in stolen Bitcoin hidden inside a Cheetos popcorn tin and underground safe

… Which also is the closest Trump will get to ever becoming an actual billionaire.

Mayim Bialik broke her Instagram silence after her unexpected ‘Jeopardy!’ host news

But she didn’t phrase it as a question, so it doesn’t count.

Carlson fired. Laura Ingraham might lose her time slot

Apparently, at Fox News, the Dominions keep falling!

Joe Biden stumbles while walking down stairs at G7 Summit in Japan

In fairness, when he heard someone scream out G7, he thought he had won at BINGO.

Maine gets serious about its lobsters, because the Atlantic is warming

Bad news: Fewer lobsters. Good news: They’ll be ready to eat.

DA: Clerk at Massachusetts liquor store tried to cash $3M lottery ticket left behind by customer

Would’ve gotten away with it if she hadn’t asked them to break a couple of 100 thousand-dollar bills.

Happy belated 90th Birthday, Willie Nelson

Don’t worry, good chance he doesn’t remember it, either.

Ja Morant caught in vid flashing a gun again

Too bad it wasn’t Russ Westbrook, that dude can’t hit anything!

Ruby Bridges’ movie under review by Florida school district after parent complaint

When DeSantis said he’d take care of Parks and Bridges… turned out he meant getting rid of Ruby Bridges and Rosa Parks!

Jennifer Lopez shows off action star moves in The Mother

Sounds like someone just wants to be JLo from the Blockbuster.

Mother’s Day celebrated around the globe

If your Mom saw her shadow that means six more weeks of guilt.

Supercum trending on Twitter

Ain’t that the stuff that almost killed Lois Lane?

Airport blunder leads to Frontier Airlines passenger being flown to a foreign country 900 miles away with no passport

Ironically, his luggage went to the correct location.

Happy 77th birthday, Cher

If you could turn back time, there’d be fewer plastic surgeons driving BMWs.

Soon to be divorced Lauren Boebert once told women in rocky marriages that they just need to start ‘chasing Jesus’

… Apparently, by Jesus, she meant the pool boy…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)