Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Martha Stewart on the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition cover at 81, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Martha Stewart swimsuit edition — Martha Stewart on the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition cover.

Martha Stewart Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition cover model at 81

Apparently Kellyanne Conway is the painting in Martha Stewart’s attic.

Big Bang Theory’ star scorches ‘Jeopardy’ host Ken Jennings for crossing picket line

Shouldn’t that be: “What is crossing the picket lines?”

6 signs your marriage will last a lifetime

Number one reason: You’re not given long to live.

James Comer is not saying Joe Biden took a $5 million bribe — He’s just asking questions

Like: “Joe, could I borrow a few mil…?”

Target pulls some LGBTQ+ merchandise from stores ahead of June Pride month after threats to workers

… While Skittles may cut down on flavors to be less rainbow-y.

Warner Bros Discovery chief booed at Boston University graduation, videos show

So, he got a big FU at BU…

Kari Lake loses another court battle in bid to overturn AZ Gubernatorial results

Kari Lake has lost Arizona Governor’s race so many times Katie Hobbs could be eligible to serve 5 or 6 more times.

RIP Tina Turner

Tina was 83, except for her legs which will always be 23.

Maine gets serious about its lobsters, because the Atlantic is warming

Bad news: Fewer lobsters. Good news: They’ll be ready to eat.

Boebert and Margery Taylor Greene have left their husbands

Hide, Pete Davidson!

‘Brady Bunch’ star shuts down rumor that her TV mother hooked up with her TV brother

… that’s mostly because the name ‘Family Affair’ was already taken.

Happy Birthday Tommy Chong

What do you get the guy who’s smoked everything?

Woman claims flight crew served nuts

In fairness, everyone acts a little crazy on flights.

Fox News prime-time ratings plummet after Tucker Carlson firing

… Fox’s numbers dropped so badly; soon, The Five will denote the amount of people still watching …

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)