Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even with headlines like “Disney pulls plug in Florida,” doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Disney pulls plug on billion dollar development in Florida

… Or, the equivalent of 2 weeks of park parking and a Mickey Mouse hat with your name stitched into it!

Bill to legalize recreational marijuana fails in Oklahoma as all 77 counties vote against

… So, a no to becoming Tokelahoma …

Marjorie Taylor Greene defends boyfriend dressing in drag

Wait until she finds out he eats trans saturated-fats.

Biden tripped on stage at Air Force Academy

Of course, he’s ok; it’s not like he’s L.A Laker Anthony ‘Street Clothes’ Davis!

Tesla CEO Musk teases two new models

No word which one he promised a pony to – to date him.

Planet’s 2nd smartest human reveals ‘50 mind drugs and supplements’ he takes every day

Yeah, but what if the world’s smartest human thinks this is a dumb idea?

Giant phallus-shaped iceberg floating in Conception Bay surprises residents of Dildo, Canada

Batteries not included.

Tara Reade, who accused Joe Biden of sexual assault, defects to Russia

You’re Putin me on?

Danny Masterson found guilty in retrial

Masterson’s next gig’s going to be ‘That 70’s to Life Show.’

After finding Chinese chips in Russian weapons, Ukraine confronted Beijing’s envoy

…. Wonder where they put the cheese dip.

Kendall Jenner goes braless, wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen

C’mon, the Kardashians are a ‘wardrobe malefaction’ WANTING to happen.

Apple Stock is near a record high. what could get it there?

Hold on, I’ll ask Siri.

Texas teen arrested after taking assault rifle, handguns to school’

See what happens when you don’t bring enough for everybody?

After calling Joe Biden senile, Republicans complain
he outsmarted them

… In fairness, that doesn’t take much …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)