Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Pat Sajak leaving ‘Wheel of Fortune,’ doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Pat Sajak will retire from ‘Wheel of Fortune’ after 4+ decades as host

So, sounds like, Pat’s throwing in the vowel …

The Unabomber has died

Here’s betting no one wants to unseal his will.

PGA and Saudi LIV Tour officially merge

PGA will now be known as the ‘Pro Gulf Association.’

Transgender activist Rose Montoya goes topless and holds her breasts at White House

… Totally unnecessary, given the amount of out in open number of boobs in DC.

Scarlett Johansson shares key to successful marriage with Colin Jost

… Mostly, no hanging out alone with that Pete Davidson.

Congratulations to the Denver Nuggets on being NBA Champs

And to the Detroit Pistons, who already are mathematically eliminated from being champs in 2024.

Penn State professor accused of committing sexual acts with an animal in PA state forest

… Sounds like he misunderstood the term heavy petting.

Bill Cosby’s trending

… I’m not gonna drink to that!

Joe Exotic calls out Trump

So, it’s the Tiger King against the Lyin’ King!

Brad Pitt goes off on Angelina Jolie’s ‘vindictive’ winery sale

And she fires back, proving 2023 is very good year for ‘whine.’

Ja Morant receives 26 game suspension for waving around a gun

Let’s face it; not even Susan Collins thinks Ja’s learned his lesson.

Meghan Markle’s podcast isn’t coming back for a second season, and she and Harry aren’t getting the full $20 million payout from their Spotify deal

So … no need to tip over Joe Rogan’s couch for the extra money.

Stone penis found in medieval Spanish ruins: Experts

So, that’s where Keith Richard’s left it.

Lindsey Graham and Putin exchange heated words

Man, you can just feel the sexual tension …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)