The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Dear Maggie

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Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews his late mother in heaven.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Is it a good morning? No, it’s not. Today my guest from heaven is my late mother Maggie Duncan.

JERRY

Hello mother.

MAGGIE DUNCAN

How is my favorite son?

JERRY

I’m your only child.

MAGGIE

That’s right. Your father told me not to make the same mistake twice.

JERRY

So why are you here?

MAGGIE

I have good news. I write the advice column in The Pearly Gates Tribune. It’s called Dear Naggy.

JERRY

Out of all the people, what could you possibly know about giving advice?

MAGGIE

I’ll tell you. Here’s my latest column. Can I read it?

JERRY

My ratings could tank.

MAGGIE

As if it would make a difference.

She reads out loud.

Dear Naggy,

I’m living with my younger sister in dad’s house. I’m a 22-year-old male and want to move out. I’ve been looking for a roommate online, but my sister insists we should live together. Everybody thinks this is a good idea. Here’s the problem. She has a hair-triggered temper that she unleashes on me. The other day, she accused me of wearing her dress. Last week, she said I went to the moon without telling her. I’m at wits end. What should I do?

MAGGIE

Dear Stressed Out,

Your sister is a mental case. Where’s your dad? Is he living under a rock? Your sister can not live with you under any circumstance. I suggest she find a job to focus on the positive. Like a cheerio counter. Or perhaps stamping M&M on the candies when they come down the conveyer belt. She would then be a multitasker…wasting time and being unproductive.

MAGGIE

What do you think, Jerry?

JERRY

No wonder you’re dead.

MAGGIE

Here’s another column.

JERRY

Hold on, I’m getting a beer.

MAGGIE

She reads out loud.

Dear Naggy,

Our cat is having kittens. My wife and I disagree on whether our boy age four should witness the event. He is intelligent, but how can I explain to him where babies come from?

Dear No Confidence,

I suggest you have a chat. He could teach you something.

MAGGIE

Well, Jerry?

JERRY

It stinks.

MAGGIE

Just for that remark, I won’t fix you up with a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. Her mother is a friend of mine.

JERRY

(apologetic) No, mother. I’ll let you read as many columns as you want on the air. The only thing that stinks is a skunk’s butt. Please fix me up.

MAGGIE

Jerry. She’s much older than you.

JERRY

I like older women.

MAGGIE

She’s been in prison.

JERRY

I like women in prison. They’re not picky.

MAGGIE

She’s famous.

JERRY

It’s okay. I’m vain. C’mon. Who is it?

MAGGIE

Martha Stewart. There, I said it.

JERRY

Martha Stewart? She’s 81.

MAGGIE

Jerry. It says in Genesis that Sarah was childless until she was 90-years-old. You could be a daddy. I could be a grandma.

JERRY

Where would we live? Dumpy Diapers Nursing Home?

MAGGIE

Always with the jokes. Martha has a smokin body. Take a look at her photos.

JERRY

(Jerry looks at the photos) No more blondes. The last one I took out called the welfare department to find out how to cook food stamps.

JERRY

She’s not for me.

MAGGIE

How about Jane Fonda?

JERRY

My mother Maggie Duncan everyone. See you tomorrow.

 

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

Dean Kaner
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