Melania and Barron: a Quiet Dinner - Lesley Leben, Humor Times

Listen in as Melania and Barron have a traditional Slovenian meal at home, when father’s not around.

A plate of veal and buckwheat dumplings, two large sausages, and a mound of cabbage sit on a plate in front of Barron. Melania’s plate holds one angry red cherry tomato nestled on a piece of lettuce.

Melania: Barronchik, why you no eat your traditional Slovenian meal? My mama, your Babica, prepare for you.

Barron: I’m sad mama.

Melania: Why you sad my baby Barrony?

Barron: I’m lonely. I’m tired of playing with the secret service.

Melania: Why you no invite some friends over?

Barron: My friends said that it was cool to come here and read all the top secret stuff, but now that it’s been confiscated, nobody wants to come over. Where’s the man who lets me drive his golf cart and calls me “kiddo”?

Melania: You mean your father?

Barron: Yeah, him.

Melania: This minute?

Barron: Yes.

Melania: (Looks at watch) Being fingerprinted.

Barron: What?

Melania: Yes, he’s arrested again.

Barron: What do you mean again?

Melania: He rape, he spy, he pay hush money… I lose count my little klobasa.

Barron: Mama, is this a joke? He raped a woman?

Melania: This time it was a woman, yes my love.

Barron: This time? Mama!

Melania: Look, Barron, it wasn’t rape. It’s how your Papa show affection. Sometimes he sneak into my room and jump on my back. I hit him but he hit me harder. Then he push me against the wall and puts his hand over my mouth before he —

Barron: MOM! STOP! (Covers his ears) I don’t want to hear this!

Melania: Aw, my little baroonchick. Ok, ok.

Barron: What’s the other charges?

Melania: He pay off a prostitute.

Barron: Why?

Melania: He think I be upset if he sleep with hooker. He waste his money my little chicken dumpling. I happy if he sleep with Stormy, Steamy, Stumpy… whomever, I don’t give a fuck. Get him off my back… that no joke.

Barron: Mama, you really don’t care if my father sleeps with other women?

Melania: Nope. I try to tell him. I even buy a jacket that say “I Really Don’t Care, Do you?” And he still not gets it. He waste good Slovenian Tolars, I mean dollars.

Barron: Mama, it sounds like you hate him.

Melania: (Sighs) I don’t hate him. He give me best life. “Be Best” I always say. If I not breathtakingly beautiful, I be in Slovenia picking potatoes right now.

Barron: But do you love him?

Melania: Barroony, I love him like I love my pet “Piggy” your Babica give me for my 6th birthday.

Barron: What happened to Piggy?

Melania: I chop off his head and make delicious sausage. Now eat, Barronky.

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Lesley Leben

Lesley Green Leben is a humorist and writer. She holds an MFA in Creative Writing and Literature from Stony Brook University. Her articles have been published by Dan’s Paper and numerous online websites such as More, Grand Piano Passion and Medium. She enjoys playing the flute, writing and all forms of procrastination.