Justices Alito and Thomas: Interview - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Supreme Court Justices Alito and Thomas.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are Supreme Court Justices Alito and Thomas.

Justices Alito and Thomas by DonkeyHotey — Justices Alito and Thomas. Caricatures by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

JERRY

Welcome.

JUSTICE CLARENCE THOMAS

Do I get a free trip for doing this interview?

JUSTICE SAMUEL ALITO

Yeah. I’d like to go back to Alaska to fish.

JERRY

Tell you what. I’ll give you both a swift kick in your rear end. How’s that?

JERRY

Clarence. First question goes to you.

THOMAS

Yes, mam. Sir.

JERRY

You and Samuel over there voted to overturn Roe v. Wade last summer. A woman’s constitutional right to choose since 1973. These are privacy rights, not the role of government.

THOMAS

It was a no brainer. I thought to myself that I could have been aborted.

JERRY

You can blame your mother for her wrong decision.

ALITO

I, too, could have been aborted.

JERRY

You also had a stupid mother.

JERRY

The U.S. Supreme Court has changed dramatically since Justice Ginsberg passed away. It has become Ruth less.

ALITO

Yep. The Supreme Court is a conservative majority. We are going to destroy democracy as you know it.

JERRY

You’re public enema number one. But you’re not off the hook, Alito.

JERRY

You took a fishing trip to Alaska paid for by a billionaire Republican donor who had cases before the Supreme Court. And a lavish trip to Rome paid for by the University of Notre Dame. Never disclosed either.

ALITO

(uncomfortable) Aba aba aba aba.

JERRY

Same question to you, Clarence.

THOMAS

Which bribe? I mean, what are you talking about?

JERRY

Your luxury trips paid for by Republican billionaire donor Harlan Crow, and the three homes you sold to him. A coincidence he had some cases before the Supreme Court?

THOMAS

No. I take bribes from anyone. I have a lot in common with the rich and poor.

JERRY

What?

THOMAS

We both talk a lot about money.

JERRY

You were raised poor. Are against Affirmative Action that protect African Americans, so they are not put at a disadvantage or subject to discrimination. Even want to deprive them of voting rights. Did you forget where you came from?

THOMAS

I believe the best way for Blacks to get ahead is to marry wealthy White folk like I did. I’m so crazy about big booty Ginny that I tried to re-marry her, but she figured I was out for her money.

JERRY

Let’s talk about Anita Hill. She accused you of sexual harassment and innuendos when she worked for you as an attorney-advisor in 1981 at the Department of Education.

THOMAS

No comment. What happens under my robe, stays under my robe.

ALITO

Hey, Duncan. Since Clarence and I share the same brain, we’d like to sing a song together.

JERRY

Speaking of singers, what do you call Janis Joplin?

ALITO

I don’t know.

JERRY

Dead.

Alito and Thomas sing the Paul McCartney/Stevie Wonder hit Ebony and Ivory.

Ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony,

side by side on my piano keyboard,

oh Lord, why don’t we?

JERRY

I’ve heard enough. You’re both racists.

ALITO

No way. My son can date anyone except girls with the name Rachel.

JERRY

That’s Rachel discrimination.

JERRY

Justices Samuel Alito and Clarence Thomas everyone. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.