Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about a record Texas heat wave, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Texas heat wave smashes records with no relief

It’s so hot in Texas – if you’re there, you’re now considered deep in the hearth of Texas.

Ryan Seacrest to host Wheel of Fortune

Seacrest has as many jobs as George Santos claims to have.

Kristina Baikova, 28, VP at Russian Bank, Loko-Bank, fell to her death from an 11th floor window of her Moscow apartment in the early hours of Friday morning

… So, natural causes.

Supreme Court strikes down Biden student loan forgiveness

While Clarence Thomas wants people to pay off student loans the old-fashioned way, by becoming friends with Harlan Crow.

Jennifer Lawrence reveals ‘ultimate present’ she gave Robert De Niro after he welcomed baby number 7

I’m guessing, Maury Povich’s cell phone number.

Zuckerberg accepts cage match challenge from Musk

Apparently, it’ll be Geeko-Roman Wrestling rules.

Rob Schneider endorsed RFK Jr.

Can someone tell me who Lovitz got? So, I don’t have to give a rat’s ass about that either.

Lance Armstrong’s complains about fairness in sports

… the ball on that guy.

Video show Patriot Front and Proud Boys members fight, apparently, over which group is the Fed

Proud Boys fighting with Patriot Front sounds like the semi-finals of a Battle of the Boy Bands.

Why one of the principal designers of the Stealth Bomber is in a supermax prison

Because they’re afraid that once he disappears, he disappears.

Jefferson Davis Day in Alabama, still an official state holiday

In honor of it, people fly white flags.

RIP Alan Arkin

Serpentine, Serpentine …

Al Pacino and Noor Alfallah enjoy date night after welcoming baby boy

… No word if he got her home before curfew …

Trump expands his attack on special counsel Jack Smith to include Smith’s family and friends

… and Cracker Jacks, Jack Nicholson, Jack in the Beanstalk, Jack in the Box, Jack be Nimble, Little Jack Sprat …

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)