Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the Tour de France, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Tour De France begins

Watching the Tour De France … it’s hard to tell which cyclists are on performance enhancing drugs and which ones are in the control group.

Trump visits Dairy Queen In Iowa

… while DeSantis looks to shut down anything with word Queen…

Madonna: Doctor weighs in on bacterial infections

Welp … She is a bacterial girl, living in a bacterial world…

Cocaine found at White House

Authorities still trying to snort it out!

Former royal butler claims it’s ‘very possible’ that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will move back to the UK

Mainly, to annoy Piers Morgan.

Disciplinary panel calls for Rudy Giuliani’s disbarment

Rudy Giuliani might be disbarred, but he can still go to dis bar and dat bar.

Instagram Threads mounts serious threat to Musk’s Twitter

So, it the Nerd vs. the Turd. You decide, which is which.

Joey Chestnut won the Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest again

… An actual event where THC is a performance enhancer.

‘Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny’ opens

New Indiana Jones film should’ve been called ‘Indiana Jones and the Lost Eyeglasses Sitting on His Head.’

You’re not imagining it: Trader Joe’s employees are all boning each other

More worrisome is the use of off brand condoms like Brojan and Wifestyles.

MAGA lawyer Lin Wood gives up his law license ahead of potential disbarment

Folks are Kracken under the pressure.

Ocean Gate suspends all sub explorations after Titan implosion

I’m shocked, shocked Ocean Gate still had enough Legos and bubblegum to put together another sub.

Britney Spears slapped by NBA’s Victor Wembanyama security

… Too bad it wasn’t Russell Westbrook’s guys, they’d have missed.

Marjorie Taylor Greene has been expelled from the Freedom Caucus

… Although she’s free to be as dumb as usual …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)