Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Sweden, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Sweden Ikea — IKEA, a multinational conglomerate based in Sweden.

Sweden has a giant-killer military built for one thing: fighting Russia

That’s a lot work for a tiny little screwdriver.

The number of views for Tucker Carlson’s new show on Twitter has dropped by 86% since its launch

Damn, Tucker’s Twitter ratings are dropping faster than Russians falling from Moscow high risers.

Madonna reportedly made her much younger boyfriend sign an NDA

… and his mom a permission slip.

Biden age a factor

Apparently, Biden’s too old to be President while Republicans want everyone else to hit 90 before stopping work to get Social Security and Medicare!

Keke Palmer calls out her boyfriend after he mom-shamed her for wearing a rear-end exposing sheer dress

When people say ‘what an ass’ about Keke Palmer these days, they’re usually talking about her boyfriend.

Tommy Tuberville appears to be a believer in white supremacy

Unless he needs a wide out or an edge rusher!

Disney extends CEO Bob Iger’s contract through 2026

Yup, he made himself an offer he couldn’t refuse.

Barry Bonds says he’s been ‘vindicated’ and argues he belongs in the MLB Hall of Fame

… or, at the very least an invitation to run in the Breeders Cup.

George Santos compares himself to Rosa Parks

Well, yeah, they’re both the same height in heels.

Kourtney Kardashian announces she is pregnant, expecting baby with husband Travis Barker

These people don’t have kids, they have spin-offs.

Ron DeSantis fires roughly a dozen staffers in a campaign shake-up

You’ve just been fired by Ron DeSantis, where are you going? We’re going to Disney World!

83-year-old arrested for parking lot shooting

… Somebody didn’t like being told he left his turn signal on.

Prigozhin met with Putin in Kremlin after Wagnerites’ mutiny

Only thing we know for sure is it was on low floor.

House committee to receive briefing on cocaine found in White House

I’m sure they’re prepared to sniff it out.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)