Robert F Kennedy, Jr Interview - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews anti-vax activist and conspiracy nut Robert F Kennedy, Jr.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is activist Robert F Kennedy, Jr.

JERRY

Good morning, Robert.

ROBERT F KENNEDY, JR

Is it morning just because the sun is out?

JERRY

C’mon. We know you’re a conspiracy nut.

KENNEDY

Roses are red, violets are blue, this middle finger is for you.

JERRY

You don’t believe in COVID vaccines. Claim there is a link to autism.

KENNEDY

That’s right. You name the conspiracy and I support it. For instance, I’m against coal and nuclear power. They cause death and destruction of the environment.

JERRY

Hold on, half-wit. Do you realize more people died in your Uncle Teddy’s car than a nuclear power plant?

KENNEDY

Big whoop. Nothing surprises me more than when I found out that my toaster wasn’t waterproof. Nobody told me to unplug it before soaking in water.

JERRY

It’s the reason your brain is fried. You recently said President Joe Biden is the cause of the 2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine due to NATO expansion.

KENNEDY

Alternative facts, Duncan. Putin is defending Russia from Ukraine.

JERRY

Putin is a tyrant. Do you know a man was sentenced last week in a Moscow court to 15 years and 3 months in a Russian work camp for calling Putin stupid? The judge explained that he gave 3 months for insulting the president and 15 years for divulging state secrets.

JERRY

I understand you are running against Biden for president on the Democratic ticket. What’s your reason?

KENNEDY

We need less drama and more comedy. And I know something about comedy. My wife Cheryl Hines is on Curb Your Enthusiasm. She said Larry David wants to use my speeches in the new season.

JERRY

You’ve got to be kidding.

KENNEDY

Why not? Everybody tells me they’re a joke.

The interviews stops abruptly.

JERRY

Speaking of jokes. I have a fellow conspiracist on the line. Republican Senator John Kennedy from the not- so- great state of Louisiana.

SENATOR JOHN KENNEDY

I resent that remark, Duncan. I’m proud to say most Louisianans make it to 6th grade. Ain’t that remarkable?

JERRY

I would have guessed 3rd. Hey, goober. What’s the difference between a zoo in Louisiana and a zoo elsewhere?

J. KENNEDY

I don’t know.

JERRY

In Louisiana, next to the plaque with the animal’s name, they’ve got a good recipe.

J. KENNEDY

Sounds right.

JERRY

I understand you spent 4th of July in Moscow talking to Russian officials with fellow MAGA Republicans. You’re a traitor!

J. KENNEDY

No. I’m trying to make sure the Russians do a better job of election interference in 2024. We want to rig it.

JERRY

In addition to your corrupt MAGA Republicans trying to overthrow our government with the help of the Russians, you want them to win the war in Ukraine. You’re on the wrong side of history, bubba.

J. KENNEDY

Why shouldn’t we meet? If Trump is the president, Putin will have a winter home in Florida. And I assured Vlad that there will be prostitutes to pee on his face.

KENNEDY

I’m impressed. Here I thought the best five years of a redneck’s life was 4th grade.

JERRY

Senator Kennedy. You have the same name as Robert’s uncle President John F. Kennedy.

J.KENNEDY

Right on. I remember the exact moment I found out that JFK was assassinated. On the internet, checking his Wikipedia page.

KENNEDY

That was a stunt double. My Uncle John eloped with Marilyn Monroe.

JERRY

Five years later your father Senator Bobby Kennedy was assassinated by Sirhan Sirhan.

KENNEDY

No. I believe there was another shooter. That’s what he told me when we met.

JERRY

Is there anything you two fools believe is not a conspiracy?

J.KENNEDY

If it looks like a duck. And quacks like a duck…

KENNEDY

It’s government surveillance.

JERRY

Robert F. Kennedy, Jr and Senator John Kennedy. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.