Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Barbie opening day, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Barbie opening day box office clobbers The Batman, Spider-Man and Guardians of the Galaxy

Personally, I didn’t think Ken had the balls to help pull this off.

Texas picked worst state to live in

So, Texas is now called the “Lone Star State” based on its Yelp reviews.

JFK’s Grandson, Jack Schlossberg, calls RFK Jr.’s Presidential Candidacy an “Embarrassment”

And you thought your family reunion was going to be awkward….

Trump giddily suggests White House cocaine belonged to the Bidens

Look, Joe Biden can’t be both Sleepy Joe and on cocaine. Pick one.

Comic Con opens

They have a speed dating booth at Comic Con so people can quickly find out who they won’t be having sex with.

Tesla’s Board of Directors return $735 million after being accused of overpaying themselves

Or, a buck twenty in Twitter stock.

‘Family Guy’ slammed by Russian official for how it portrayed the country in season finale

Look for Putin to call in Boris and Natasha.

Large alligator swims out of ocean and onto Alabama beach surprising visitors

… and doubling his cholesterol.

RIP Tony Bennett

What an amazing voice! And, he smoked more pot than Snoop. He’ll be missed by music fans and pot dealers around the globe. God speed.

Man points gun at Burger King workers in Wisconsin after they were unable to take his order, police say

Special orders don’t upset us, my ass.

More indictments coming

Sounds like Trump’s hairpiece saw its shadow; that means 6 more weeks of indictments.

Jury awards family $800K in Chicken McNuggets burn case

Would’ve been higher if they found real chicken …

Vice President Kamala Harris matches record for tiebreaking votes in Senate

While DeSantis breaks record for being a broken record.

In addition to dropping sales revenue, both Lindell and MyPillow are facing a $1.3 billion defamation lawsuit

… holy, sheet, Batman!

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)