Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Musk changing Twitter to X, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Musk changes Twitter to X

X is the Willis Tower of New Cokes.

Trump charged with trying to delete Mar-a-Lago surveillance footage in new indictment

Bigger question: where was he when they needed to cut 30 minutes from Oppenheimer?

A Florida Chipotle goes viral after numerous Yelp reviews claimed employee seduced their husbands

And who said customer service was dead?

Federal judge limits Biden administration contact with social media platforms

Biden plans to get around it by doing what he always does with tech issues … have his grandkids take care of it.

Jeff Bezos is the 3rd-richest man in the world and makes Betty Crocker pancakes every Sunday

You’d think Betty Crocker could make her own pancakes.

Invasive toxic worms back in Texas

… no word if they had a good time in Cancun.

It’s National Lipstick Day

Although, a lot of women are glossing over it.

Chuck Norris Settles $30M Suit Against CBS, Sony Over ‘Walker, Texas Ranger’ Profits

Finally, they can make the sequel ‘Needs a Walker, Texas Ranger.’

Hugh, the Manatee, dies at Florida aquarium after ‘high intensity sexual behavior’ with brother

… it was in Florida so authorities didn’t say gay …

Ben Shapiro spent the weekend tossing Barbies in a fire

So, he combined two of his favorite things to have a Barbie Q.

Amazon is reportedly making employees relocate for return-to-office

And, if they have Prime, they’re expected to do it in one to three days.

Nude Hunter Biden pics shown by Marjorie Taylor Greene at Congressional Hearing

If a Republican did what they accuse Hunter Biden of, they’d be claiming he’s allowed to under the ‘You Da Mann Act.”

Woman crashes car while shaving privates

I’m guessing this has nothing to do with the military.

RFK Jr. said he’s not anti-vax

But, that’s probably just the Ivermectin talking!

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)