Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Kylie Jenner, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Kylie Jenner is again facing backlash for denying she’s had plastic surgery

It’s hard to tell if she’s lying with her face unable move.

Trump’s been indicted three times

… Next one comes with a medium fries and large drink.

Musk threatens to sue researchers who documented the rise in hateful tweets

… I think they’re not called Tweets, anymore, but XCrements.

Hunter Biden: The struggles and scandals of the US president’s son

Hunter Biden is the Roger Clinton of Billy Carters.

Kim Kardashian’s dating history is genuinely full of plot twists

That’s because she doesn’t have a life she has ‘continued next weeks.’

William Shatner calls the U.S. government’s UFO hearings ‘ridiculous’

In other words, ‘Star Dreck.’

Leprosy cases surging in Central Florida: CDC

DeSantis has taken the state so far backward, even the diseases are like Spain’s still in charge.

Former porn performer pleads guilty to DUI

She’ll be done with traffic school in no time if they have oral exams.

US Economy added 187,000 jobs in July

That’s actually six, if you readjust it for jobs not taken by Ryan Seacrest.

Taylor Swift is on the ‘Era’s Tour’

While Kid Rock is on the ‘Error’s Tour.’

RFK Jr. complained about not getting Secret Service protection. The truth is very few candidates do

Although, I do hear there’s a vaccine for that.

Florida has “effectively” banned AP Psychology from being taught in schools, according to a statement from the College Board

That’s crazy!

Mexico’s president offers to buy US company’s coastal property for $375 million to end dispute

Wall extra.

Alan Dershowitz says Trump conviction will be overturned by the Supreme Court

… Yeah, but he didn’t really mean it because he had on his underwear …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)