Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host broadcasts live from Hollywood, in support of actors and writers on strike.
ANNOUNCER
Live from Hollywood, or from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Not really. Today on the show my guest is my late mother Maggie Duncan.
MAGGIE DUNCAN
I love you, Jerry. Tell me that you love me back.
JERRY
Should I kill myself now or after the show?
MAGGIE
It’s up to you. I won’t say a word.
JERRY
Folks. We’re standing in the picket line in front of Paramount Studios to show our support for the screen actors and writers.
MAGGIE
You bet. 86% of actors make an average of $26,000 a year. Writers make less. That’s bupkis.
JERRY
(staring out in the crowd)
Huh?
MAGGIE
Were you listening? What are you looking at?
JERRY
Hot babes. I don’t know where to start first.
MAGGIE
Is that why you showed up?
JERRY
Yes and no.
MAGGIE
Explain, genius.
JERRY
Yes, I’m here to support everyone. And no, I’m not leaving without a date.
MAGGIE
(excited) Look. It’s Margot Robbie!
JERRY
(shouts) Barbie doll, Jerry Duncan here! I’m in love. How old are you?
MARGOT ROBBIE
I know who you are. Few women admit their age, Duncan. Few men act it.
JERRY
Can I have your phone number?
ROBBIE
I’m married, loser.
JERRY
Mean girl. Good luck in Hollywood. They’re out of plastic. The Kardashians took it all.
MAGGIE
Don’t take it personally. Your father was a loser, too. He lived at home with his family.
JERRY
Let’s move on to the TCL Chinese Theatre to see the 200 hand and footprints of movies stars.
MAGGIE
Do you have a foot fetish?
JERRY
Yes.
MAGGIE
People with foot fetishes never win.
JERRY
Why?
MAGGIE
Because they like the taste of defeat.
A writer approaches Jerry.
JERRY
Who are you?
WRITER
I’m a writer.
JERRY
And I’m the President of the United States.
JERRY
How bad is it for you?
WRITER
I’m broke. I just want a slice of the pie.
JERRY
Then go to work at Marie Callender’s. They give employee discounts.
WRITER
You don’t understand. We want residuals for shows streaming. And protection from artificial intelligence. I could be replaced.
JERRY
Artificial intelligence can’t replace human beings. It’s not designed to be useless.
WRITER
Thanks Mr. Duncan. Good to know. I feel better already.
MAGGIE
Hurry up, Jerry. We need to join the picket line at Walt Disney Studios.
JERRY
I always wanted to meet Mickey Mouse.
MAGGIE
He’s not there.
JERRY
Where is he?
MAGGIE
Mickey went into space to find Pluto.
JERRY
My mother Maggie Duncan. Stand with the screen actors and writers on strike.
Dean Kaner
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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