Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Wayne Brady, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Wayne Brady says he’s pansexual

I like good cookware as much as anyone, but c’mon.

4 people charged with assault for the waterfront fight in Montgomery

Or, as it’s also being called ‘The Brawl in Y’all.’

Stephen Miller says Gay Pop Tarts are sexualizing kids

Wait until he hears about Froot Loops.

Hunter Biden case prosecutor now special counsel

Hunter Biden got a special counsel with his laptop. I only got a 1-800 number with a 2 hour wait with Bangalore.

Oppenheimer crosses $500MM mark

Can’t decide whether to see Oppenheimer or wait for it get streamed. In other words, Tubi or Not Tubi.

Woman arrested in theft of merchandise from Lululemon

… when cops told her to take the position, she didn’t know which one.

BET Awards to honor Busta Rhyme, Hip Hop’s 50th anniversary

In related news, Busta Rhyme will now be known as Busta Hip.

Utah, Arizona, and Arizona State leave Pac-12 for Big 12 in latest realignment shakeup

The PAC in PAC 12 is short for ‘Pack Your Bags.’

Happy 86th Birthday, Dustin Hoffman

That’s 86, 86, did I say 86? 86, 86, 86 …

A Florida man living underwater won’t resurface even after breaking the record

The only person known to be under water longer was Trump and his Casinos in ‘90s.

Kanye West releases new KKK inspired hoodie

…. Where’s he gonna sell it KKKMart?!

Woody Harrelson came out for RFK Jr.

Can someone tell me who Cliff Claven’s for, so I don’t have to give a rat’s ass about that either.

Mississippi Supreme Court slaps down Brett Favre’s latest attempt to get out of welfare fraud lawsuit

Well, at least they didn’t pick it off and run it back for a touchdown.

Member of Melania Trump’s team received over $260K in a way that’s raising eyebrows

… Except Melania’s, it’s been a long time since anything on her face moved …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)