Iowa State Fair 2023: Interviews - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Republican candidates for president at the Iowa State Fair 2023.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Who knows. We’re coming to you live from the Iowa State Fair 2023 in Des Moines, Iowa, where I will be interviewing some of the Republican candidates running for president in the 2024 election.

MAGGIE DUNCAN

Don’t forget I’m here, Jerry.

JERRY

I thought you were in the freak show.

MAGGIE

I was, but they kicked me out. The boss said I was a control freak.

JERRY

Look who’s here. Iowa Republican Senator Chuck Grassley.

JERRY

Welcome Senator Grassley. Why the state fair?

SENATOR CHUCK GRASSLEY

I have a part time job nearby. I’m a Chippendale dancer.

JERRY

Oh?

GRASSLEY

Last night was bad though. None of the women stuffed dollar bills down my Depend.

JERRY

What a shame. I understand you were raised on a farm.

GRASSLEY

Yep.

JERRY

Always wondered. If a cow laughed really hard….would milk come out of her nose?

GRASSLEY

That’s udder nonsense.

JERRY

What’s the best part of farming?

GRASSLEY

Getting down and dirty with my hoes.

JERRY

No doubt. You campaigned for years at this state fair. You were elected to the Senate in 1980 when Ronald Reagan became president.

GRASSLEY

What are you saying?

JERRY

Your party has become radicalized. The MAGA Republicans want to overturn our democracy and make it an autocracy.

GRASSLEY

I wish I could dissuade them, but I’m 89 years old. For instance, when I was a kid rainbows were black and white. Now they’re in color.

JERRY

One more question, Senator.

Grassley interrupts.

GRASSLEY

Sorry. There’s a loose pig. I gotta get em. “Wooo pig sooie, wooo pig sooie.”

JERRY

There he goes. The only guy I know that can fart, sneeze, and pee at the same time.

MAGGIE

Darn. I had a question.

JERRY

Maybe I know the answer.

MAGGIE

Okay. What did the baby corn say to the momma corn?

JERRY

Don’t know.

MAGGIE

Where’s popcorn?

JERRY

Go swallow a corn dog. You’re annoying.

MAGGIE

Look. It’s Donald Trump.

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP

Here I am.

JERRY

I thought you were in jail.

TRUMP

Very funny, Duncan. I’m a very stable genius. More than half of the Republican electorate want me to be their candidate.

JERRY

Governor Chris Christie said that you should not shrug off the four indictments. You’re a criminal.

TRUMP

I haven’t committed any crimes. Christie and I have a difference of opinion. I have the right to free speech. He thinks he has the right to free eats. No wonder people are starving.

JERRY

Governor Ron DeSantis is doing well in Iowa polls. Are you worried?

TRUMP

Ron DeSanctimonious doesn’t have a personality. Nobody lies better than me. I hold the Guiness World Record.

JERRY

The only time you haven’t lied.

JERRY

You keep saying that you won the 2020 election.

TRUMP

I did. The whole system is rigged. The U.S. election results delay is pathetic. In Russia, they know who won before the election. I like that.

JERRY

You have a criminal mind!

TRUMP

F U, Duncan. And the old bag sitting next to you.

MAGGIE

Up yours, orange man!

MAGGIE

Don’t let Trump have the last word. Mike Pence is headed our way. Remember when a fly landed on his head during the VP debate in 2020?

JERRY

Yeah.

MAGGIE

I sure hope he carried the eggs to full term.

VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE

I made it here.

JERRY

Welcome to the show, Veep.

PENCE

The Lord is my Shepherd.

MAGGIE

Old news. He quit that job last month. Got tired of counting sheep.

JERRY

Let’s talk about Donald Trump, the man who almost had you hung.

PENCE

History will hold Trump accountable for what happened to the Capitol during an insurrection on January 6, 2021. He’s a bad man.

JERRY

What do you envision for America if you are elected preisdent?

PENCE

Good jobs, low inflation, a strong defense. And most important, bring women back to the time of the pilgrims. I want a national ban on abortion.

JERRY

You’re out of step with the American people. Most are pro-choice.

PENCE

I don’t believe in polls. Speaking of abortion, I had an unfortunate experience last week in California.

JERRY

Why?

PENCE

I locked myself out of my car next to an abortion clinic. It was really awkward asking them for a hanger.

MAGGIE

Serves you right, moron.

MAGGIE

If you and the other Republican candidates were stranded on an island, who would survive?

PENCE

Me.

MAGGIE

No. America.

JERRY

See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.