Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the fake nose Bradley Cooper uses in “Jewface,” doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Bradley Cooper nose — Bradley Cooper plays Leonard Bernstein in “Jewface.”

Bradley Cooper in ‘Jewface’ storm after Leonard Bernstein trailer reveals prosthetic nose

I can’t be only one thinking ‘Jew Face’ is more anti-Semitic than a phony nose on an actor.

Trump mocks Chris Christie’s weight

Trump mocking Chris Christie’s weight is like R. Kelly making fun of Matt Gaetz’s prom date.

Men attacked Alabama boat co-captain for ‘just doing my job,’ he says

Try that in a small town and get hit with a folding chair.

Republicans furious as Biden sells unused Trump border wall for millions

Would it make them feel better if Mexico bought and paid for the unused wall?

You’re not imagining it: Trader Joe’s employees are all boning each other

No wonder they call it ‘Trader Hos.’

DeSantis banning Shakespeare in Florida schools

… look for Disney to rename a ride after him, ‘It’s a Smallth Globe After All.‘

Mets selloff players, look past 2023 season

Let’s face it, at this point, the Mets couldn’t hit anything even if they all piled into a Tesla and put it on autopilot!

Hostess, the maker of Twinkies, faces a near $300,000 fine after a worker severed their finger on the job

… On the upside, they named a new product after him … Pinkies.

How to recreate Margot Robbie’s outfit from the final scene of Barbie

Uh, go on Amazon and order it.

KABC’s Dallas Raines on how Hurricane Hilary could bring floods, even tornadoes to Southern California

… on a separate note is there a weatherman in Israel named Tel Aviv Spritz?

Kid Rock spotted apparently drinking Bud Light

In fairness, it’s as watered down as his music.

25% of Repubs are more likely to vote for Trump if he’s convicted

… At least people still buying R Kelly CDs get something to dance to!

Happy 65th Birthday, Madonna

Proving 65 is the new 69.

Russian General Surovikin ordered to keep silent and not leave residence

… And to stay on ground floor … for now.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)