Vivek Ramaswamy Talk Radio Interview - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Republican candidate for president Vivek Ramaswamy.

ANNOUNCER

From under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Not really. Today on the show my guest is Republican candidate for president Vicious Salami.

VIVEK RAMASWAMY

No, Mr. Duncan. It’s Vivek Ramaswamy. I’m Indian.

JERRY

How do you do kemosabe?

VIVEK

Not that Indian, you idiot. My parents are from India.

JERRY

I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. Hey, what has four legs and goes “oom, oom” in India?

VIVEK

No clue.

JERRY

A cow walking backwards.

JERRY

You made a fool of yourself in the first Republican debate.

VIVEK

Wrong.

JERRY

Really? Want to raise the voting age to 25. Want to replace the FBI and IRS. Oh, here’s a good one. Want to put a gun in every Taiwanese household to deter an invasion by China.

VIVEK

You missed one. Climate change is a hoax. We need to drill baby drill and frack the hell in the United States.

JERRY

That causes greenhouse gases. Results in tornadoes and earthquakes.

VIVEK

I’m not going to argue about climate change. It always ends up in a heated debate.

JERRY

The real reason is that you own a stake in Chevron.

VIVEK

It’s not a moneymaker, Mr. Duncan. Oil prices dropped so low that Chevron had to lay off 25 Republicans in Congress.

JERRY

Hold on, skinny. I have Nikki Haley on the line. She wants to join our conversation.

VIVEK

Nikki was mean to me on the debate stage in Milwaukee.

JERRY

Nikki. Go ahead.

NIKKI HALEY

Thank you, Jerry. Vivek…I don’t like the fact that you want to stop aid to Israel. America needs Israel as a stabilizing force in the Middle East.

VIVEK

I’m upset, because Kraft Foods is moving their operation to Israel. It’s going to have a new name Cheeses of Nazareth. We can’t let that happen. I need cheese to fart.

NIKKI

Farts are like children, Vivek. You don’t mind your own, but you can’t stand other peoples. Furthermore, a human fart can be louder than a saxophone solo. I found out at my daughter’s school concert.

JERRY

Viking.

VIVEK

It’s Vivek, Mr. Duncan.

JERRY

You may be a billionaire, but you can’t buy your way into politics. You’re lousy at it. Condescending, a Trump wannabe, and bad lawyer. There’s nothing you have to offer the American people.

VIVEK

Indian food.

JERRY

I had Indian food for lunch yesterday and almost choked. Talk about a paneer death experience.

NIKKI

There’s an old saying my parents taught me. In India, you don’t drive on the left of the road, you drive on what is left of the road.

JERRY

Vivek Ramaswamy and Nikki Haley everyone. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.