Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the Hollywood sign, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

The Hollywood Sign turned 100

… Looks good, but, personally, I think it had some work done.

Georgia election case: Trump, co-defendants surrender to authorities

Damn, the last time that many white people surrendered in Atlanta, it was to General William Tecumseh Sherman.

How Penn Gillette lost 105 pounds

He ditched Teller?

Biden’s Commerce Secretary is the latest Cabinet member to visit China in a bid for improved ties

And, while they’re at it, I have a few ‘Made in China’ shirts and the components in my Fitbit that could use some improvement. Just saying.

50 Cent questions Nick Cannon having 12 kids.

He’ll now be known as 48 Cent after putting in his 2-cent worth.

Aaron Rodgers and State Farm reportedly part ways after 12 years

For an insurance company to not renew him, you’d have thought he was playing for a team in Florida.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year

Until now, I had no inkling…

Long time ‘Price is Right’ host Bob Barker dies at 99

Appropriately, he made it nearly to 100… without going over. God Speed.

Ted Cruz duped by fake image of shark on flooded LA highway

In fairness, the background music threw him: Duunnn dunnn… duuuunnnn duun… duuunnnnnnnn dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnn dunnnn…

Japan’s Fukushima nuclear plant will release radioactive wastewater

On the upside, any fish caught in the area are sure to bring local sushi bars glowing reviews.

Hunter Biden’s estranged daughter to receive paintings in child support settlement

… Way less risky than a laptop.

Bradley Cooper’s prosthetic nose in ‘Maestro’ is not anti-Semitic, Anti-Defamation League says

No word yet from the folks at the Anti-Histamine League.

Australia baffled as unidentified mystery object washes up on beach

George Santos: G’day, mates.

Hurricane and earthquake hit SoCal at same time for first time ever

… that never happened before the Covid vaccines. Hmmmm …

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)