Jerry Duncan Show in Washington DC - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews his late mother, Maggie Duncan, in Washington DC.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show from Washington DC my guest is my late mother Maggie Duncan.

Lincoln Memorial in Washington DC — Lincoln Memorial, photo by Jeff Kubina, CC BY-SA 2.0.

MAGGIE DUNCAN

I love you, Jerry. Tell me you love me back.

JERRY

No time for small talk. I have a show to do.

MAGGIE

Jerry. I always wondered what DC stands for?

JERRY

De Capitol.

MAGGIE

That’s what I thought, but didn’t want to sound stupid.

JERRY

We’re standing in front of the Lincoln Memorial. A tribute to our 16th president Abraham Lincoln. What a magnificent work of art.

MAGGIE

Wow, it’s 99 feet tall. Lincoln was amazing. He ended slavery and won the Civil War.

JERRY

Sad that Abe died young.

MAGGIE

Yeah. He shouldn’t have asked actor John Wilkes Booth for a head shot at Ford Theater.

JERRY

C’mon. Let’s walk down the National Mall to see the Washington Monument.

MAGGIE

Are there any shops like American Eagle? You could use a new shirt.

JERRY

Not that kind of mall, pea brain. It’s about George Washington the first president.

MAGGIE

I’m confused. Wasn’t there a man named George Washington Carver?

JERRY

(sarcastic) He’s the guy who carved up George Washington.

MAGGIE.

Wait. Carver invented 300 ways to use the peanut. Like in shampoo, shaving cream, glue. He even got paid peanuts.

There are loud splashing sounds.

JERRY

Look! It’s Senators Mitch McConnell and Dianne Feinstein. They’re in the reflection pool with their clothes on.

MAGGIE

It’s a stare down.

JERRY

Stare down? They’re having brain farts. Mitch is wearing a Biden for President button. And Dianne is dressed in pink like Barbie.

SENATOR MITCH MCCONNELL

(confused) Excuse me, you two people. Why am I in the water with my wife?

MAGGIE

Their brains aren’t getting enough nourishment, Jerry. Someone needs to get Mitch turtle food.

JERRY

What about Dianne?

MAGGIE

Whatever is available. She won’t remember what she ate anyway.

JERRY

All the reason Congress should have age limits. The two of them are so old that Jurassic Park brings back childhood memories.

MAGGIE

Who cares? All I can think about is how hot I am. The humidity is killing me.

JERRY

It can’t kill you. You’re dead.

MAGGIE

Almost forgot. I just want to go on a boat ride down the Potomac River to cool off.

JERRY

Do you know why those boats have round windows?

MAGGIE

No.

JERRY

So water doesn’t hit you square in the face.

MAGGIE

My son the admiral.

JERRY

Maggie Duncan everyone. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.