Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about American Airlines, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

An American Airlines passenger says she never wants to fly again after her suitcase was seemingly ‘run over,’ destroying $1,000 worth of her stuff

I’m stunned, stunned it made it to the same airport.

Trump said he was 6’ 3, 215 and had strawberry blonde hair at Georgia booking

George Santos: Me, too.

Sherri Papini, who faked her own kidnapping, is released from federal prison

Or, was she?

Biden surveys storm damage in Florida, without DeSantis

No word if they’ll meet up to survey the damage to that other Florida disaster, the DeSantis campaign.

Huge python shown slithering from rooftop to treetop

I’m utterly shocked John Cleese is in such good shape.

Norway rebuilding reindeer fence along border with Russia to stop costly hooves’ crossings

… and to have Santa pay for it.

Erectile dysfunction almost 6x more likely after Covid-19?

I thought that was for Covid-69.

The ruble is failing

… like someone threw it, uh it, I mean, it fell out of an open window in high story building.

‘The Flash’ gets streaming premiere date on Max

While ‘The Flasher’ will be opening on MaXXX.

Jimmy Buffett, singer who spun margaritas into gold, dies at 76

It’s 5 o’clock in heaven. RIP, Jimmy Buffett.

Proud Boy Joe Biggs receives 17 years in Jan. 6 seditious conspiracy case

Well, there goes that reunion tour with Justin Timberlake … Oh, wait that’s N’ Sync … Never mind.

King Charles welcomes Andrew back as ‘part of the family’ in stunning royal reset

Where’d they go to celebrate? Chuck E Cheese?

Ted Cruz says the ‘Barbie’ movie is brainwashing young girls with Chinese propaganda

Ted Cruz also introduced legislation to ban dildos in Texas. Talk about self-hatred.

Jobs report: 187,000 additions in August

… Although most of those were to process servers in Georgia …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)