Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the US Open, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Coco Gauff tops Aryna Sabalenka to win US Open

It’s official! We’re all cuckoo for Coco Gauff!

Ron DeSantis booed at vigil for victims of Jacksonville shooting

Or, as Kellyanne Conway would call it: Alternative cheering!

Trader Joe’s President addresses whether employees are ‘told to flirt with customers’

Yeah, but be careful. Any more than that and it’s Trader Ho’s.

Peter Doocy admits Biden ‘working through the night’ despite constant attacks on his age

… A reminder to Biden to pull down the shades.

The ice cream cone, pasta primavera and eggs benedict were all invented in New York

… Also, Pepto Bismol, Lipitor, and stomach pumps.

Nancy Pelosi says she’ll seek reelection to Congress in 2024

So, Chuck Grassley complained about kids today.

Venetian Water Taxi Company catches Kanye West for NSFW behavior on boat

So, he went from Yeezy to Sleezy.

America’s white majority is aging out

… And, yet, they always seem to be driving right in front of me.

Germany has finally figured out how to build more ammo for the 1960s-era cannon Ukraine is using to blast Russian drones

It starts with hooking up a DeLorean to get hit by lightning …

That ‘70s Show’ actor Danny Masterson sentenced on rape convictions

Masterson should be on a show called ‘That 70’s to Life Show.’

Eminem sent Vivek Ramaswamy a cease and desist letter demanding he stop rapping his music

So, it’s the Real Slim Shady versus The Really Slim and Shady!

Migrant workers leave Florida

Florida’s gone from ‘Stand Your Ground’ to ‘Farm Your Own Damn Ground!’

Jimmy Fallon apologizes to ‘Tonight Show’ staff following “toxic workplace” accusations

And, to the rest of us for making ‘The Scheme.’

Labor Day crowds see multiple shark attacks in Florida

Given the diet of most Americans, no word if any of the sharks died from high cholesterol.

‘Trump isn’t funding any of us’: Co-defendants in Georgia case are struggling with mounting legal bills

… Well, there’s always sending the bill to Mexico …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)