Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Jamie Lynn Spears being on ‘Dancing with the Stars,’ doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Jamie Lynn Spears latest celebrity to compete on ‘Dancing with the Stars.’

‘Dancing with the Stars’ moves to Tuesdays; Jamie Lynn Spears latest celebrity to compete

Apparently, Christina Aguilera’s cousin’s mailman wasn’t available.

Lauren Boebert caught fondling date’s genitals during family-friendly musical

So, it looks like for at least one audience member, there was a ‘happy ending.’

Putin’s attack dog’ Kadyrov reportedly in critical condition

… Moved to higher floor with more open windows …

Kamala Harris dances to Q-Tip’s ‘Vivrant Thing’

… While to most right wingers, Q Tips are advice on understanding conspiracy theories.

Couple caught having sex in an EasyJet plane toilet, met by police when they landed

In fairness, it was EasyJet, not Virgin Airways.

Huge Taco Bell sign crashes down and traps customer in crumpled car, Louisiana cops say

Good thing they had the fall cushioned by a double order of chalupas.

Georgia special grand jury had recommended charges against Lindsey Graham

… that must’ve made Graham crackers …

N’ Sync had a reunion at the VMA’s

And then, everyone but Justin had to leave to finish their shifts at Olive Garden.

Aaron Rodgers hasn’t even completed a pass yet … Carted off the field

Aaron Rogers time as a Jet didn’t even last 1/2 a Scaramucci.

Kevin McCarthy’s Brother-In-Law Got $7.6M in Government Contracts

Well, the guy’s wedding registry was at the House Budget Committee.

Drew Barrymore is bringing back her show without writers

Then again, she’s used to working with no apparent writers like in ‘Freddy Got Fingered.’

Sharon Osbourne reveals the secret to her relationship with Ozzy

She has no idea what he’s saying …

Russell Brand denies accusations of ‘egregious’ sexual assaults

First, they came for Russell Brand … and people said ‘who?’

Mitt Romney said a lot of Republicans don’t believe in the Constitution

But do believe Trump is 6” 3, 215 and has strawberry blonde hair …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)